So today I went out and about

I went and took my camera to York and spent the day exploring and taking photographs. Much better than sitting around the house and doing nothing, or worse still moping about things I can’t change. That’s probably a bit harsh, as I wouldn’t do that, but I could have certainly spent the day being rather introspective, hidden away and contemplative.

Still had time for some of that anyway, it turned out, whilst I was busy sorting out getting said photos off my phone and my cameras memory card, but now I need to try and sleep. So I’ll just leave these here….

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.451935894845513.100083.100000873207161&type=1

Would be very interested to know what you think about my pictures… what you liked what you didn’t so I can improve on them for next time.

Sleep, submission, sanctuary…

It’s no big secret that I have problems with my sleep. Anyone who knows me will most likely know this.

Periodic Insomniac since I was twelve – going through phases of months where I’d sleep for 3 hours a night, and be fine, or then go through a phase of sleeping 10 hours a night for a few weeks…

What’s a little more interesting though, is that when I was little I only had three nightmares that I remember. One, self explanatory, as it had to do with watching It, and then a window blowing out on me; another one being that The Nothing (ala Neverending Story) was coming for me, but I could do nothing, and the third one was fever induced – I had a circus train set, and in my nightmare it turned into a giant snake which then constricted me.

Now though, I frequently have to deal with everything from run of the mill bad dreams through to waking up screaming, drenched in cold sweat night terrors.  Most of these are actually pretty explainable (the weird ass crazy dreams aren’t, but they usually incorporate stuff that’s going on at the moment, however trivial and twist it round like nothing else… ) as they relate back to things that have happened in the past.

Another fairly open secret nowadays for those who know me is the extent to which I was abused as a youngling. I take the use of that word very seriously, and it has taken me a very long time to be able to use that word in reference to myself, instead choosing to justify what had been done to me, but after spending time seeing a psychotherapist, which actually helped me more than I thought, and having her very clearly define what had happened as ‘long term systematic abuse’ has allowed me to accept that to be the case, and actually be able to move on from it somewhat. This is relevant because most of what tends to go on in the worst of my sleep issues is fallout from those experiences, and there’s little I can actually do to affect that. I’m at the point where I can accept that what happened to me was wrong, and most of the time I can say with conviction that I didn’t deserve what happened, nor was it my fault. I also know that it’s over, I live a long way from where it happened, and all sorts of other stuff, but because of the ways I (didn’t know how to) dealt with it, I end up going through it.

At it’s worst, it will start with a night or two of really odd dreams (this time round, I dreamt that I was kidnapped and abandoned in Norway in just shorts and Tee shirt – taking the fact there’s a boat currently docked http://www.shieldsgazette.com/news/local-news/ocean-giant-due-on-the-tyne-today-1-4990831 in on there – I’d gone to look at the boat, interested in how it works and then been taken to go see it in action, just not as I had thought) and then go into full blown nightmares/night terrors – i differentiate between the two as to whether I can wake up from them or not) which happened on Monday.

Invariably, because I know what’s coming, despite the fact that I know that the are just dreams, can’t hurt me, and it’s a relatively normal response etc etc I still then get extremely anxious about going to sleep, leading to me putting it off as much as possible. Tuesday, I didn’t sleep at all. (This was exacerbated by a difficult conversation too, but that just left me worrying about that in the time I was failing to sleep) Wednesday, got a little, in very broken slots but again more issues, Thursday managed to tire my brain out, so passed out and got a straight four hours, and the rest of it very broken. Yesterday, I ended up falling asleep on the bus on the way to and from work (can only put that down to the motion and exhaustion), and then ended up just passing out straight into what I call ‘dead sleep’ where I don’t dream, and my brain is just OFF. Although oddly I can still hold conversation and not be aware of it, as demonstrated by the fact I actually fell asleep yesterday whilst on Skype, and whilst I don’t remember it, am told that I answered coherently when was gently prodded, as I was sitting up with the laptop balanced on one knee with mic and cam going… :-S

Tonight will hopefully be better, as there was no issue last night, although a lot of anxiety still exists around sleeping, I can talk myself round with that, but am expecting broken sleep.

 

Ultimately, the only things that I’ve found that do actually help are that when someone else is in the house I’m a little less prone to having them in the first place – don’t have to be in my room, just present.

And having someone nearby, helps with the nerves/panic/anxiety around getting to sleep, especially when they don’t object to cuddles/curling up with. Very much a feeling safer thing there, as a guaranteed way to be able to get me to sleep if I’m having trouble is to stroke my head which is like a secondary off button to being conscious as I tend to drop out like a light very very quickly..

There is the primary off button as well, which is another spot which has a dual effect of making me melty and also disengages my ability to actually think, which is actually quite amusing. I’m pretty good at locating that spot in others but it’s very rare the favour gets returned… maybe something to put on the christmas list… xD

So yeah. I’d planned to be asleep two hours ago, however instead I’m getting all anxious about sleep.

Also feeling rather sidelined. which is knocking my general self esteem some. Not intentional I think,but just seems to be too much of a coincidence when four people independently seem to be shooing you away. Hurts a bit more when one of them is a sibling as well. Which comes into the second word of my title. Wasn’t sure whether to go with surrender or submission.

There comes a point when a line is drawn and you have to call time. Enough is enough, and you seem to be just wasting your energy by making the effort. It’s how I feel with my brother. I’m the one making all the effort here, and I’m offering to take the time, effort, money, travel to go and see him to keep in touch, and it just feels like it keeps getting thrown back in my face. Makes me wonder what it is that I’ve done, or am I just not good enough? Is now the time to stop, and submit, to say that enough is enough? It hurts more because it’s my brother, and I always thought that since we got to know one another (a long story for another time) that we got on fairly well…

I’ts leading to a fair bit of self doubt and wondering what’s wrong with me? But maybe it’s time to let go..

Trying to counter it with the fact that I have friends who are honest and true, and I can’t be all that bad if they want to know me despite my flaws, but sometimes it’s harder than others,  Especially when I’ve got sleep-demons and demons from the past poking their oars in too…

So onto my final topic. Tomorrow I’m off to one of my Sanctuaries. York. I’ve got several places that I like to go and escape to to regather myself together, especially after a hard time. York is one of them, Durham another, Hebden Bridge another and Mam Tor is the other. Each one has something different about it that makes me feel a little more together. They’re places I can just be in, whether by myself, or with others.

Was hoping I’d be able to have some company tomorrow in York, but no-one is about. It won’t stop me enjoying myself by any means, but would have been good. Was thinking earlier about previous visits, one with an old friend Kyu, Where we ended up drinking white wine and eating peanuts at 9am on a Saturday morning because we could and it was amusing. Kyu went on to Scarborough later in the day, but fun was had… Also the time I walked around the walls and just went and got myself lost because I could. The picture of me with a barn owl was taken in York at Coppergate as well.

I do find myself yearning occasionally for the day where I am able to find Sanctuary in a walk down the beach, or in the swimming pool, but I guess as well, this is right, as sanctuary is something separate to the everyday normality. So it should be right that it takes an effort to get there. to find the sacred and the profane…..

 

Now, I’m feeling sleepy, so I’m going to curl up, and hope to sleep well. If you read this far thank you for sticking with me…

And any offers to come find my off button would be appreciated at the moment! A woman can live in hope I guess!!! 😉

 

Ambivalence and Wanderlust

Today has been bizarrely ambivalent to say the least.

I woke up to find that my house guest had taken it upon himself to tidy up my kitchen. Aside from the fact they’ve known me easily long enough to know that I would frown upon that, I’ve had to also spend a good two hours working out where the hell he’d put things and put them back to their rightful places, which, to be fair, I had assumed wasn’t actually that wacky to begin with. When I asked why he’d decided to do this, I just got a non-sensical answer.

I did, however surprise myself  in my diplomacy when I effectively told him to get out from under my feet and quit acting like a puppy dog. I can’t exactly remember what I said, aside from ‘ that it felt like he was waiting around for me to make a decision as to what he wanted to do, which isn’t how this works…’ but I managed to say it without offending him or causing him to sulk, which was nice, and left me (aside from having to sort out the hash of things in the kitchen) able to be at my own devices today.  This mostly involved having a bit of time and space to process the last couple of weeks and generally chill to shake the last of my cold off. So inevitibly it became a pyjama day. Finished season 5 of the Big Bang Theory, did a bit of tidying and mostly just tried to relax some. Tomorrow am going to have a long day, which I would be looking forwards to, if I had better company, as I know people who would appreciate it much more, and frankly at the moment, I’d prefer to travel with.  Basically taking the bus from Newcastle up to Berwick-Upon-Tweed, stopping at Alnwick on the way, then coming back stopping off at Bamburgh on the way back. Going to be long and out, and to be honest, will probably be all I manage this weekend, but it’ll be a nice outing.

So, onto the wanderlust.

Starting to get the urge to venture forwards into the world again. Move forwards from where I was, so, with that in mind, my twitter is now fully back up and running, and I’m back on social networking, as well as making plans.

I’m starting my 101 things in 1001 days project  again.  Given this holiday has given me a few ideas/pacts/agreements to complete stuff in the future, it makes sense to add them to the list, which is https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0ArNqETuDBYSNdEJyUTRNeE84NUI4REVvcjl6dW13T1E  Have got 79 so far, so in need of another 22. All suggestions welcome, and I’m going to assume that this may well become the place I update my progress, unless I do a facebook group… not sure which would be better as yet. This will let me post all media will have to check failbooks…

Am also going to restart two other projects as well… Project freebird is one of them. The other is unnamed, but will also be a useful thing to get on with. Starting to wonder about moving away from the UK as well. It’s not something I’ve particularly thought about, but realistically I am starting to see it being a bit more likely. there’s a lot about the UK that frustrates me, and having heard a few different viewpoints as to life elsewhere in the world of late, I’m beginning to wonder if I might be wasting my time by not going. Of course the first thing I then jump to are the practicalities… I can’t just stop, drop, and walk, at least not without wrecking my credit record, but it is something I could certainly consider in a bit more detail. Project Freebird will help with that some. Basically a way for me to declutter (on the 101 things… list), hopefully make a bit of money by getting rid of things I don’t need/want, as well as get on with some of the creative bits and bobs.

All three projects are basically going to demand I get a lot more disciplined with my time, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing as long as I don’t take it to the extreme, and make sure I get some fun/me time in there too.. it’s also going to require planning around my holidays to get a lot of my trips in that I want to take, as well as being disciplined with my finances – although if I can get a regular thing going with the creative stuff, or even the singing then that will help some.

So yeah… a lot of thinking being done today, also coupled with the sudden realisation that Feelings may have snuck up on me some.  Might also explain a bit of the animosity I’m feeling towards my current guest, given the history of him having feelings for me. This was prompted by getting a text at about 5pm from the guy that I met up with for coffee for 45mins between work and heading to Sheffield with a couple of months ago, who promptly declared on the basis of that that he was ‘in love’ with me and wanted very much to be my boyfriend, and within 2 hours was giving a fantastic example of jealousy because I hadn’t replied to texts within ten mins. The messages that led to me telling him ‘Sorry but No’ make interesting reading.  But anyway, 6 weeks after establishing with him that he couldn’t deal with being friends,and it was best that we didn’t talk,  I received a text saying “Hey, I miss talking with you xx.” Made me consider whether I really wanted to go there – and suddenly realised I really didn’t as I was actually thinking about someone else. Which came as a shock…  So yeah… that’s not happened in a fair while, and I’m not sure what to do with it…

So yeah… was left to my own devices until gone 7.30 which was lovely, and have now retired to the bedroom…

Sorry if this one has been long and rambly…. ! Any thoughts on any of it, or suggestions for things to do would be well appreciated…  🙂

Expression

I seem to finally be getting the whole art thing…. after feeling really really shit about it for years and years because mine was really poor compared with everyone else who expected me to be good at it because of genetics or whatever. Looking back with a bit of perspective and life experience it wasn’t necessarily that it sucked…it was just different, and anyone who saw the couple of portrait sketches that I actually did would say I didn’t suck….

Before I go much further this is probably going to turn into a bit of a stream of consciousness ramble, which I would normally apologise for but in this case I’m not going to, so read on if thou wilt…

Had a bit of a discombobulated day yesterday where there wasn’t really anything wrong, but something was off and I couldn’t put my finger on whether it was a problem, something needing to change or something coming. Still haven’t worked out what it was, but not too worried… I went and did a we different things, and still had a pretty damned good day in spite of it. Picked up my guitar and noodled on it for the first time in months and didn’t feel like I was just having on to something I needed to let go of, and then in the afternoon went for a decent walk along the coast with a friend and some long talking was had too. Explored caves and coves and went to places I’d not gotten around to yet, like the cave bar in Marsden. Again in hindsight it’s nice to see sometimes just how far I’ve come and what my perspective on some things actually is now…. pleasantly surprised in some ways…

Got to one part where there was a particularly stunning view of the rock and the lighthouse, and just *knew* that I’d end up drawing something based on that… which I thusly did, this morning. The whole art thing is very weird and new to me, cause I really don’t think like an artist… wondering if maybe the photography has played a part in this, as I do tend to find myself composing shots as I go and see new places more and more…. might also be that I’ve realised that my lie is my own to make of it what I will and I’ve gotten down off my high horse about some things finally…. either way, its interesting. Certainly have no intention of trying to persue it forcibly… but am interested to see where it might go. Certainly wouldn’t expect masses from it….

I guess the bottom line is I seem to have hit a creative phase again… which is the first real spurt I’ve had in over five years…..so I’m finding it a little weird that its no longer a no go thing…. now I just have to try and not get frustrated over the fact that the songwriters block is still fully in force…. which will be a challenge… as will maintaining the balance. I’ve worked a lot of stuff out over the last however long and it would be a shame to disregard it being caught up in the moment….

Headsplurge over and done with…. xD