Black, White, and Shades of Grey.

So, it’s been a while since I posted much… I’m not going to apologise for that – I’ve had other things to do… including mad trips to Sheffield to surprise someone for a birthday, visiting Alton Towers to see the fireworks, and then my own birthday too. And of course, work.

Also started on my 101 things in 1001 days project, which can be found –>https://stormvixen.wordpress.com/stormvixens-101-things-in-1001-days-the-list/

So been prepping and thinking about that…

 

The last couple of weeks have been less than easy though, thinking about stuff in general. My birthday is never an easy time to be fair… I get a bit introspective, and think about what I’ve done over the past year, look forwards to the next, thinking about what I’d like to say I’ve done the next year, and stuff comes back to haunt me – throwing up a bunch of insecurities, and this year has been no different, aside from the fact that I realised I’m more of an optimist than I let on.

Every few years, I decide to try and do something sociable, instead of hide away for my birthday, in the hope that ‘this time, it’ll be different’ and this year, I did that. I arranged to have an open house at my friend’s and went to Sheffield. Asked people to confirm they were coming so I could sort food….and it was a flop. I’d have been upset and annoyed if something much bigger hadn’t dwarfed it, and I am thankful to those who did attend and also put up with me on the Saturday – 4 people, plus 2 who weren’t there, due to distance, but were there via online presence.

Anyway. Ramble over It’s really late. Like 5am late, and I’ve been ill since Monday. Off work in bed ill. So brain is not the greatest. Don’t know if I’ll be able to get this all down before I need to sleep again, but I’ll try…

The title is not just there to cash in on a rather tame set of books.

(Hell, I’m naive as hell when it comes to relationships, but even I know more than that! – and no I haven’t read them, and don’t intend to. If you want to read something that’s actually fun I’d recommend this.  http://www.amazon.com/Black-Jewels-Trilogy-Daughter-Darkness/dp/0451529014/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1352973328&sr=1-1&keywords=anne+bishop+black+jewels+trilogy)

Instead the title is more a description of how I deal with the world sometimes. Or used to, at least.  Something I’ve been pondering about for a fair while now.

Writing this at 5am because I had one of the other recurring nightmares I have from time to time – usually have this one when I’m ill, so it was christened ‘the fever dream’, although it’s more about my insecurities than anything else I think… just happens to feature being ill, and tends to turn up when I’m ill.  My nightmares are generally related to stuff that I’ve buried trying to make itself known. I understand the whys and even some of the what’s, but it doesn’t stop me waking up feeling terrified. This particular one is pretty straightforwards; in my nightmare,in short,  I’m ill, and end up dying and rotting away, but nobody notices I’ve disappeared, until they’re told that a skellington was found at my address. People are sad for a day, but forget pretty quickly…. ultimately the insecurity that I don’t actually make any sort of impact is at fault for this one, which comes out of years of being constantly told that I’m shit and don’t deserve to be alive. So I feel like I have to earn my worth. Explain much about me?! (And yes, I know that’s not necessarily true. The issue is making it stick)

OK. It’s 10am. Had to try and get some more sleep, cause being awake was hurting. ( then Tried to get up to go to work and failed. )

There are a lot of defense mechanisms that end up in play for me at times…. all built on broken logic. Broken logic of a 5-8 year old. Which makes for quite a simplistic world view of “enough people say and believe this so it must be true”. Black and white. “This is true so to fix it the opposite needs to happen”. Black and white. No grey in there. No questioning whether that’s correct, or if there’s another explanation.. which if you know me is odd as I ask a lot of questions!
Being the optimist I am, I hope that one day I’ll be able to acknowledge the grey. I know it exists, I can deal with it in other areas, but in this it has no place because it’s incongruous. It threatens the status quo, and means the one question I daren’t even ask because I’m so afraid of the answer, comes into play..
being stubborn can be great, until you have to go against yourself. The nail was almost hit on the head last night when someone said that I was afraid of losing ‘me’ if I do find the courage to go ahead… and that’s true… I am afraid of losing the parts which are good. But I’m more scared to find that actually, the things I’ve spent so long fighting against are actually true. Or worse that there’s actually nothing there.

I’m also scared that the people I’m privileged to know and call my friends will find the same, and walk.
This journey I know is one I must take alone ultimately, but the idea of having no one about to watch my back is too much. It took me a long time to realise the value of interdependence over self sufficience…
and one of the things I fall back to when I’m finding things difficult is some thing I’ll happy tell other people when they struggle to believe in themselves; “if you don’t feel you can have faith in yourself at this moment, then believe that I believe in you.” Pretty awesome when you get your head around that one, even just a little. I know I lack the perspective to see any potential I have, so until I develop that I have little choice but to rely on others. Without that, I would give up. I speak from experience.

That’s probably a good place to stop. I probably sound mental but I don’t care…. I’m an extrovert processor and keeping this kinda stuff in my head will do a lot more harm than good. Once it’s out I can step forwards.
I don’t think my friends will ever realise just how awesome they truly are. Maybe when this is done with, I’ll be able to explain and tell them….