Caution: objects in the rear view mirror…

Yah yeah. We all know the saying..but conversely, a bit of distance can often provide some much needed perspective on things.

I’ve spent my Easter holiday away from Sheffield, not just for the fun of it, but also to aid in some perspective on things. Since getting and starting the new job I’ve worked damned hard, and have otherwise been surviving in less than perfect conditions, which has been hard work at times in its own respect. And as I reach a point where I can start to flat hunt again, I’m beginning to think about the next set of hurdles I’m going to need to jump.
Through the generosity, hospitality and kindness shown by my hosts for this weekend I remember why I love having my own place. Not because of the peace and quiet, or the space necessarily, although for my introvert side these are also all well and good, but more because I miss being able to host people, and to be spontaneous. I miss having a kitchen which isn’t full of a bunch of stuff I simply don’t use, and has a set of sharp knives instead of just one, which is rapidly becoming blunted by everyone else…
And I miss having weird and wonderful stuff around to experiment in cooking adventures with, and, perhaps more importantly, having people over to share those adventures with.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the fact that I have somewhere to live and get on with things through this transitional phase, but I think I’m ready to get back to being able to do one of the things I enjoy most.

There are a few other things that I’ve realised of late as well – especially when looking at the whole trying to short living arrangements out, and one is the realisation that I’m definitely being a bit more grown up in terms of what I’m wanting from the next part of this whole adventure. I don’t just want somewhere to live, I want somewhere I can customise, and be able to add my own stamp to, rather than just passively exist in. This, I assume is down in part to the fact that I have a bit more of an idea about my self, my personality, and my own taste in things whereas previously I would have always tried to please everyone else and not really think about myself at all in the process. I’m not saying that I’m going entirely the other way and turning into a selfish git, but I am playing more attention to things which ultimately will be essential not only to my general state of happiness but also to establishing myself as a valid person, allowed to have and express opinions about things as well as eventually maybe even develop some style and flair 😉
Yeah… I’m being self deprecating I know, but I’m not an arrogant arse and I don’t think I ever could be so humour is the easiest way to dispel any illusions….
Bottom line… I’m becoming a person….!

StormVixen -or a history of my alter-egos!

I’ve had three messages asking me why I changed my profile pictures on a lot of things to a wolf today… so I figured I would give it a shot at explaining it.

The short answer is that I haven’t. I’ve changed it to a blue fox, which is a rare subspecies of the Artic Fox – around 3% of Artic Foxes are born as Blue Foxes, known for their blue/grey fur.

The shade of blue/grey always reminds me of storm clouds, and that is where the name Storm Vixen came from. There are other reasons for it too, but more on that later.

As for Storm Vixen – i.e. me… that’s a little more complicated, and something I’ve been thinking about a lot the last few days.

When I was younger – in my teens, I had a big fascination with spirituality in general, and a lot of ideas associated with indigenous, rather than mass religions – so Celtic, native american, aboriginal traditions. to name a few, as well as a massive interest in all things Arthurian- historical and legend.

Because I was going through a lot of issues at the time with a lot of people – I tended to hide in the refuge of my imagination, which more often than not was a weird comglomeration of all of these ideas, and quite a lot of my daydreams involved dragons,. It’s hard to explain, but I had an affinity for the dragon – I could relate to it, and it was almost a source of strength for me at times.

At the same time, without anyone really knowing about this – some of the people I was hanging around with started referring to me as the dragonlady. with no real reason given, but the name stuck, and then another friend, who does a lot of body art turned up at a gathering and having never met me at all before that day, proceeded to paint dragonscales across one side of my face, which actually really freaked me out when I saw it, because again – it was something I had never talked about… and then the furries adopted me, and I was most definitely the dragonladysara by then, so when I moved online and got  steam account and a livejournal and msn etc, quite naturally, that persona came with me – the steeldragoness. Steel, as in City of Steel. not because it was a metal dragon…

For reasons I would rather not explain, it became necessary to change from Steeldragoness on a fair few media. so I tried to keep it similar, and be clever about it – which is where bestiavolaticus came from – for those of you who have wondered this, you finally get an answer of more than “it’s latin”. Because there was no word in Latin for dragon, I had to improvise, so came up with’ beast with wings’. wjich whilst not particularly flattering, is accurate.

 

When things fell apart though, and I moved away, I realised that the dragon was no longer right – it didn’t sit as well with me, and there was no comfort in the idea any more. I’d changed, and so had the things which helped and provided comfort. At the same time I was getting into the swing of a couple of Warhammer 40k armies, and wanted to do a custom chapter of Space Marines, which is where I came up with the Storm Vixens – all female chapter, known for their cunning and nippiness, whose colours were storm blue/grey. So that’s where the stormvixen name came from…

Do I find the same solace in the blue fox as I do the dragon? Honestly, no. I think it’s a beautiful animal, and actually one that’s quite apt to describe me too,  sometimes.. but it’s not *my* animal. I don’t know what my animal is now.. and it’s something I’ve been giving a bit of thought to of late for a few reasons… partly because I’ve ended up back in the furry crowd, so am thinking about that in terms of whether I  class myself as a fur in any way, shape or form, and if so, how? Partly, because I’ve been rethinking about some of the ideas these indigenous cultures have, and similarities that exist across all cultures, despite all the differences. Ultimately we are all part animal, and we all have characteristics which reflect our animal natures, and that is reflected through history from coats-of-arms down to the idea of spirit guides, or legends of therianthropy… or even simple everyday metaphor. To label someone with animal qualities is nothing new, and anthropomorphisation of animals in cartoons only seeks to further blur the lines.

A good friend has also queried whether I have what would be in effect a totem animal – one that I can picture as a protector figure when I am having issues with night terrors etc, and whether that might help…. so it may well be that in the future, storm vixen may change to something a bit more personalised, but for now, I think at least, it’ll stay…

 

Although if anyone wants to give a the old “ if I were an animal what would I be and why?” question a shot, feel free, I’d be interested to know the reasonings behind it especially… the most leftfield answer I ever had was “ A Dormouse, because you’re really quiet and shy”