maybes….

Not even some creative cooking has helped today. I feel like everyone and everything I go near gets messed up or destroyed, so maybe it’d be better for all concerned if I were out of the way.

‘Maybe’ thoughts can be as destructive as ‘what if’s’, when it comes down to it, but they’ve been going round my head all evening.

Something happened today that was a bit of a setback. It served as a painful reminder that people on the whole cannot be trusted. There are a rare number who can, and I’m very glad to count some amongst my close friends, but this was unexpected and has brought a torrent of questions, as well as a feeling of dread about tomorrow. Not only do I have to face them but there’s a party in the evening I’m meant to be going to. I can no longer use tutoring as a Precursor to a get out, as my student tomorrow is poorly, so I’m now hoping something else comes up. I should be so lucky there… 

I’ve made over a kilo of frikadellen and an amaretti biscuit based blueberry swirl baked cheesecake this evening. It took over 4 hours and I don’t feel anything. Normally cooking and cleaning makes me feel better, but now, I’m just … Wishing I wasn’t here in all honesty. Normally I’d be annoyed with myself for that, but not even that. No doubt I’ll feel guiltylater, and now I get to fight the urge to just disappear as well…  

I’m doing a shit job of this post… I haven’t said half of what I want to, but I give up. Today they win, and I believe I deserve everything I’ve gotten so far, as well as everything that’s still to come… I’ll just keep out of the way.…

bleh

Today is not going well. taking a half day at work.

Not sure why I’m feeling so on edge at the moment…but  don’t really want to go home and mope either… so can’t really win either way.

seriously considering not going to the work do tomorrow. but then am i just running away?

Control Issues and the battle in my head.

Been thinking about what I’d written to go along with the picture I posted at the weekend… as well as about control in general.

Like probably most people, I fear losing control. Which is a little odd, as I tend to be at my best in a crisis, which by definition is an event defined by things being out of control… but that kind of paradox is the norm for me really.  So what is it that actually scares me? I think it’s more losing control of myself, than what’s around me. This is one reason (probably the main reason to be honest, now) why I don’t/can’t/won’t cry. Not properly, anyway.  Because I risk losing control, and I’m afraid of what will happen if that happens.

Most people will ask why that’s a risk, and what the worst that could happen is, and I guess that’s a fair question, and the answer is, I don’t really know, but there’s a good chance it’d be something akin to a dam bursting, and I’m not sure I’d be able to deal with the fallout of that. Although equally, I wish I could – and I wish I could get that over with, as ultimately, it’s something that’s going to have to happen, and then I would be able to start picking the pieces that remain back up and move forwards.  But then comes the battle in my head again. The one that makes me sound crazy.

On Friday, I’d posted about how I was having a bad day. I made it through work and flipped between feeling nothing and just wanting to cry for no reason over anything that had happened – nothing had.

I tried explaining it to a really good friend – who I’ve known for a long long time now, even though I knew they wouldn’t understand it at all. It felt important to try though, and as they said – even if they don’t understand it at all, it doesn’t mean they can’t listen. They know that I really really suck at processing some things internally, and sometimes getting them out of my head makes it better to deal with. Explaining about the fact that I feel like I’m at war with myself in my head, and the fact that I can’t just stop something in my head didn’t help, as “surely if it’s all in your head, you can decide who wins though?”

If only it were that simple, eh…?

 

taking back control

taking back control

I’m not a complete control freak but I don’t like feeling completely out of my depth. I also dislike being so frustrated and angry that I need to take it out on something…so I let the masochist in me out to play and take it out on my hair. knowing full well just how much the application would sting I went and did it anyway. I reestablished control, if only for a short time. I know it’s a temporary solution, but it provides a little breathing space until the inevitable happens….

Disconnected.

Pretty sure my brain has just switched off today and is refusing to communicate with the outside world. I am numb.  I’m sat in work, and am failing to recognise words being said, conversation around me just sounds like inane babble and I’m not really sure what I’m doing here (and I’m not talking about my job) I could be a fly on the wall – no-one would notice. Pretty sure that I could probably walk out and go home and no-one would really notice that either. I’m on autopilot, and I’m really hoping this is just a bad day. I existed like this for a while on more than one occasion and it’s not good.  And I’m frustrated. Frustrated over the situation I find myself in. Over the way I’m (not) dealing with things. That I’m feeling shit about things where I probably shouldn’t be. The list goes on, but the words aren’t there. I choke on nothing and feel the torrent rising.  Probably best to stop writing this stuff down before I end up in the loony bin, or worse…

So, I’m rapidly lining up things to occupy my weekend. If I don’t keep busy then I will just go to bed and remain there. Trapped inside myself.. where there’s nothing.

So, tomorrow, if I have enough money, I’m going to go to the cinema to see the second installment of The Hobbit, before it drops out of the cinema. There’s a showing at 12.45 for £6.00 at cineworld which will hopefully be not too full. Then going to go and work on websites for the evening with my sister and get them up and running. Sunday, I’m going to go walking at Dam Flask – there’s an organised walk taking place, heading from Bradfield back to Hillsborough via the Dam. I’m not sure how well I remember the area, hence doing this one guided. Will probably be good to get out into the open as well, as I haven’t done that in a while. I’ve already done a lot of the housework I had planned for the weekend, as its been better to be busy this week. I know I can’t keep busy forever though, and I am a little worried that I will just hole up and hide away once I stop.

I’ve got some social activities in the diary over the next few weeks, so I won’t just disappear, so that’s probably a good thing, even though I’m not so sure I can bring myself to believe it right now…

stubbornness : both blessing and a curse

I got home this evening, made a hot water bottle up, got into pj’s, downed a stiff drink and crawled into bed. Currently in oh shit mode. My brain caught up and some stuff fell into place. 

I’m waging war against myself.

And that scares me. Not because it sounds crazy, but because as much as I hate myself right now, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being stubborn. I’m not sure which part will win. It also explains why when this kind of thing has happened, I’ve lashed out and pushed people away. Firstly fear, that I’ll end up hurting them, or worse still, they’ll see the bad core that’s obviously there and do what everyone else has done- walk away. Secondly, to see anyone is as stubborn as me to break me down quicker. Invariably there the answer has always been no. 

If I werent so stubborn, I’d be able to stop sooner and let what must inevitibly be, be. But i am stubborn enough to fight to the point if my own destruction, because I’ve had to be…. but now I’m the threat…and I * can’t* just lay down and say ok then. Instead I will take up arms and fight. However much I don’t want to. There has to be another way, surely? Other the something or someone bigger taking it from an internal battle to an external one. I’d welcome it to be honest but it’s wishful thinking there…

I could feel myself starting to pull away today. Hunkering down for the long haul and hiding. Getting ready to push in an effort to spare people later. And I hated myself for it. Guilt ridden. I feel like I should be able to just say stop, and I should have some control…after all, It’s me I’m dealing with… but instead I feel like I’ve already lost. I feel helpless and a failure. And I’m scared that if I do end up pushing, I’ll lose people I care about, and I don’t want that…

last night…

Was one of the worst nights in a long time.

I don’t know what had happened earlier in the dream as I don’t remember, but I do remember the end…. lots of words, being forcibly held down whilst something was being shoved down my throat. Being unable to breathe and knowing that even if I could cry out, no help would be forthcoming. When I woke up, I wasn’t fully out. I could still feel the pressure restraining me, still couldn’t breathe or make any real sound, and was starting to panic. I managed somehow to somehow throw myself onto my side and snap out of it a little, but could still feel the force in my throat and instinctively threw up. There wasn’t anything to throw up, of course as there wasn’t anything actually there…. and then came the panic attack. more from being sick than anything I think… needless to say I didn’t get much sleep….

That’s thrown me off kilter…to the point I’ve taken a half day at work- I just don’t feel up to that now… but I don’t really want to be on my own either… so the compromise is go hole up in a coffee shop….i don’t know if this meant anything or not… but I don’t want that to happen again.