It was only a matter of time until I ended up back here – on the edge of the Dark Lands.
I’d dared to hope that for the first time in a long time that I might have escaped it for the winter, but it wasn’t to be.
Stranger still is how it’s always something entirely innocuous that starts that journey… although I’ve got a feeling that the current solar storms may well have something to do with it – as they always unbalance me a little… Eitherway though, I’m making this journey again.
The innocuous thing that started this was being asked whether or not I get lonely. I have to admit I was somewhat taken aback by it, as I really haven’t considered that for a while. I’m too busy to really think about it, and in hindsight I answered as honestly as I could, and think I still can. I’m too busy really to get particularly lonely… and I don’t think I get more lonely than other people – as everyone does sometimes, right?
Unfortunately, at this point, my brain went off on one, and tried to work out *why* the question had come up. Was it just because I’d said I was going out by myself, and not meeting anyone? Was it because they are fed up of seeing me as often? Have I come across as being needy… and so the spiral begins. The spiral of what ifs and maybe I’s. Round and round, and down and down.
Then, as my brain started kicking this around, I was caught off guard again… and I think mistakenly managed to give the impression of being annoyed and upset. Not easy to explain, but I wasn’t. Not at them anyway…
I’ve never been easy to categorise. I don’t fit neatly into a box, and I don’t conform to expected specifications. Never have, and probably never will. It’s not something I’m overly arrogant or proud about, and it’s not something I’m ashamed about either, now that I’m happy with that. I used to be, because everyone told me it was wrong. It’s not, just different. And I’m OK with that.
HOWEVER. People often fall into a bit of a false assumption that I have more life experience in some things than I actually do…. especially when it comes to smut and sexual contexts and content. People laugh at me and dismiss me when I point out (usually in a semi-jokey way) that I am ‘naive and innocent’. Usually met with guffaws and ‘yeah right’s. Don’t get me wrong, I can have a dirty mind with the best of them, but generally I don’t think like that, and it’s not something I can just ‘switch on’ when it crops up. But actually, I *am* the strange person, who was married, but didn’t have sex until a long time after that relationship ended. Actually, I was 26 when I lost my virginity. It’s not something I publicise, because I don’t enjoy going into the reasons why, but actually I do get kinda embarrassed about certain things, not necessarily at the content, but because I feel so vastly out of my depth, and lacking any way of being able to actually contribute to a conversation, and I don’t like *that.* Being drawn into things like that generally make me feel inadequate and lacking basic tenets of human experience, which then in itself throws up a lot of questions I have to wade through and a whole minefield to negotiate without doing further damage. The saving grace in all of this though, I guess is that I *know* that this is my own shit, and I have enough of a head about me to be able to draw the line of separation. So when people realised that something was kinda broken last night and apologised, I meant it when I said it was OK, and I didn’t blame them one bit.
The problem is fixing this. I don’t want to and would never expect people to treat me like a china doll. That’s happened before – and I hated it. It made everything so much worse, and then I go and hide, or walk away. But I don’t really see a way forwards out of it either. I’m not the kind of person who would jump to attempting to make up the things I’ve missed out on and assume that will fix things. Because it won’t. At all.
Ignoring it doesn’t work either. Because it comes back, and this is the haunting. A part of the legacy of everything that happened. I wouldn’t change what happened though, because then I wouldn’t be the person I am. For all of the crap it’s left behind, there are a lot of positives that have come out of it as well. At least I’m told that. Today, I’m not sure I can bring myself to believe it, but I know others believe it, and anyone is a better judge of me than me at the best of times, let alone in the worse times. I can’t exactly avoid situations where it might happen and become an issue either. That gets noticed, or I become a pariah.
Fortunately last night, I was too busy thinking about other things for it to turn into anything more than red glowing cheeks and being rather tongue-tied – in itself embarrasing – especially for a 30 year old. There’s always the danger of it turning into tears. And when that happens it’s a whole different ball game. Add in a pinch of frustration, and a whole big swirl of what I described above. And then throw that onto someone who finds it very difficult to express deeper emotion and you open a whole floodgate….that and anything else that might be lurking. I’m just glad that didn’t happen!
But how *do* you fix it, and move forwards?
I guess the first step is accepting the fact that actually, I’m still pretty broken. But less broken than I have been… so at least it’s progress…. right?