Am I in fact, that which I dislike intensely? (or, The Masks we Wear)

This is something I got to thinking about last night whilst I was having some extra awake time.

And by extra awake time, I mean inability to sleep due to nightmares again. I’ve never had particularly good sleep. Rampant insomnia when I was younger, which I still get bouts of now at least twice a year, and nightmares. Some recurring and some not. The recurrent ones I kinda understand, at least in part, as they are either based on real events that have happened, or are related to them.  Something to look at another time though… Then there are the ones which aren’t recurrent- like Sunday night, when I was essentially taken through being burnt at the stake.  I should probably point out, that my brain doesn’t have an off switch when I’m dreaming. I get every sensation in glorious full fledged all senses right through to their natural conclusion, so it’s no wonder that I wake up screaming on bad nights. I don’t always remember the dreams in full detail thankfully, but there’ll be something that lingers if I don’t. The one on Sunday, I did remember, and word to the wise, don’t get burnt at the stake!

Last night, I’d gotten to bed early, after cancelling the plans I’d got to stay at a friends house due to just not feeling up to it. I didn’t really want to be on my own, but I also didn’t want to have to try and explain why I was feeling so ‘bleh’. Same as the fact I’ve called on this weekends trip to Derby as well. When I’m feeling like this I don’t like feeling like I’m imposing on people – so I tend to stay out of the way. There are exceptions, but few and far between.

I woke up at 2.30, post nightmare. And then had a good three hours to deliberate and cogitate on ‘stuff’. A lot has happened the last few days – I’ve revealed a few things to close friends – mostly because they saw through the mask I wear. So I wanted to try and explain things. I don’t think I did particularly well at it, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Again. Something for another time….

So yeah… the thought that I may well in fact be a hypocrite is not a good one. It’s something I dislike intensely in a person. But is there a point where it’s okay, or sometimes even necessary? For me, I wear a mask. I wear armour as well, and it’s bloody strong stuff. Not because I want to, but because it’s necessary. Not just for me, but for those around me. At least I think so, as if I didn’t have those I would probably not venture out of the house, let alone try and integrate into society at all.  So does that make it ok?  I don’t actually know… sometimes masks are necessary I think. Not always as a means to hide things, but to save others. I don’t wear mine to hide people, but to spare people, although it does save the dual purpose of allowing me to exist a little more socially…. I think I might be rambling on now and not making much sense…

Needless to say, this week, I’m not having the best of times… but I’m not sure what would make it better either.

Any comments, or thoughts or answers to the questions welcomed… It’s really hard to be an extroverted processor when you’re an introvert and tend to choke on words when you’re feeling vulnerable… meaning it gets written, and hopefully debated that way..

 

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One thought on “Am I in fact, that which I dislike intensely? (or, The Masks we Wear)

  1. ghosthare22 says:

    Every single one of us wears a ‘mask’ of some kind, even I do, you can see behind it while others just see what they want to see. You’re not being a hypocrite, you’re being the best you can be at any given moment and that can be someone who is defending their true self from idiots and stupid words being used like hammers of needle knives. Trust me I know about masks, I still wear one to deal with the public, I have one to deal with so called ‘friends’, if they saw what you’ve seen and understood I’d be in the padded cell and kept an eye on twenty-four-seven-three-six-five.
    We all have armour honey, just that mines under my skin, metal bones make you heavy (heh ;-)), when you felt the wounds on my back I’d gotten so used to them being there I didn’t even feel them anymore but I notice their absence now and that’s thanks to you.
    You’re growing in different ways now and there’ll be things you’ll want to scream about and destroy, like anger burning you from the outside in, making you, forcing you to feel what you don’t want to. Hell I know that one and realising that there was nothing I could do about it didn’t help either. But you’re not alone out here, not now, not ever, you’ve made a link, held out a hand and it’s been grabbed by folk who’ve been through the some of the same crap you have. Not exaclty the same but enough to know the signs of it’s passing.

    It’s okay to share with those who understand and it’s a risk to share the parts of you that were hurt the most, like me with my artwork, always told my sister was the artist and I was the second class tryer. Yet I had to try, to show that I might not be able to draw like her or be as pretty as her, or be as wanted as her but I am worthy and I am someone of value and purpose, just like you are. You’ve been so brave, done so much, been an inspiration to me and others, yes you have armour but bloody hell woman it’s some demons you’ve conquered wearing it! I’m a fighter too and i’ll stand with you, armoured or not as long as inside you’re happy with the journey your taking and you’re going where you need and want to go. I count it as a priveledge to come with you, because I can then see it’s possible too…..

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