stubbornness : both blessing and a curse

I got home this evening, made a hot water bottle up, got into pj’s, downed a stiff drink and crawled into bed. Currently in oh shit mode. My brain caught up and some stuff fell into place. 

I’m waging war against myself.

And that scares me. Not because it sounds crazy, but because as much as I hate myself right now, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being stubborn. I’m not sure which part will win. It also explains why when this kind of thing has happened, I’ve lashed out and pushed people away. Firstly fear, that I’ll end up hurting them, or worse still, they’ll see the bad core that’s obviously there and do what everyone else has done- walk away. Secondly, to see anyone is as stubborn as me to break me down quicker. Invariably there the answer has always been no. 

If I werent so stubborn, I’d be able to stop sooner and let what must inevitibly be, be. But i am stubborn enough to fight to the point if my own destruction, because I’ve had to be…. but now I’m the threat…and I * can’t* just lay down and say ok then. Instead I will take up arms and fight. However much I don’t want to. There has to be another way, surely? Other the something or someone bigger taking it from an internal battle to an external one. I’d welcome it to be honest but it’s wishful thinking there…

I could feel myself starting to pull away today. Hunkering down for the long haul and hiding. Getting ready to push in an effort to spare people later. And I hated myself for it. Guilt ridden. I feel like I should be able to just say stop, and I should have some control…after all, It’s me I’m dealing with… but instead I feel like I’ve already lost. I feel helpless and a failure. And I’m scared that if I do end up pushing, I’ll lose people I care about, and I don’t want that…


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