Been thinking about what I’d written to go along with the picture I posted at the weekend… as well as about control in general.
Like probably most people, I fear losing control. Which is a little odd, as I tend to be at my best in a crisis, which by definition is an event defined by things being out of control… but that kind of paradox is the norm for me really. So what is it that actually scares me? I think it’s more losing control of myself, than what’s around me. This is one reason (probably the main reason to be honest, now) why I don’t/can’t/won’t cry. Not properly, anyway. Because I risk losing control, and I’m afraid of what will happen if that happens.
Most people will ask why that’s a risk, and what the worst that could happen is, and I guess that’s a fair question, and the answer is, I don’t really know, but there’s a good chance it’d be something akin to a dam bursting, and I’m not sure I’d be able to deal with the fallout of that. Although equally, I wish I could – and I wish I could get that over with, as ultimately, it’s something that’s going to have to happen, and then I would be able to start picking the pieces that remain back up and move forwards. But then comes the battle in my head again. The one that makes me sound crazy.
On Friday, I’d posted about how I was having a bad day. I made it through work and flipped between feeling nothing and just wanting to cry for no reason over anything that had happened – nothing had.
I tried explaining it to a really good friend – who I’ve known for a long long time now, even though I knew they wouldn’t understand it at all. It felt important to try though, and as they said – even if they don’t understand it at all, it doesn’t mean they can’t listen. They know that I really really suck at processing some things internally, and sometimes getting them out of my head makes it better to deal with. Explaining about the fact that I feel like I’m at war with myself in my head, and the fact that I can’t just stop something in my head didn’t help, as “surely if it’s all in your head, you can decide who wins though?”
If only it were that simple, eh…?