maybes….

Not even some creative cooking has helped today. I feel like everyone and everything I go near gets messed up or destroyed, so maybe it’d be better for all concerned if I were out of the way.

‘Maybe’ thoughts can be as destructive as ‘what if’s’, when it comes down to it, but they’ve been going round my head all evening.

Something happened today that was a bit of a setback. It served as a painful reminder that people on the whole cannot be trusted. There are a rare number who can, and I’m very glad to count some amongst my close friends, but this was unexpected and has brought a torrent of questions, as well as a feeling of dread about tomorrow. Not only do I have to face them but there’s a party in the evening I’m meant to be going to. I can no longer use tutoring as a Precursor to a get out, as my student tomorrow is poorly, so I’m now hoping something else comes up. I should be so lucky there… 

I’ve made over a kilo of frikadellen and an amaretti biscuit based blueberry swirl baked cheesecake this evening. It took over 4 hours and I don’t feel anything. Normally cooking and cleaning makes me feel better, but now, I’m just … Wishing I wasn’t here in all honesty. Normally I’d be annoyed with myself for that, but not even that. No doubt I’ll feel guiltylater, and now I get to fight the urge to just disappear as well…  

I’m doing a shit job of this post… I haven’t said half of what I want to, but I give up. Today they win, and I believe I deserve everything I’ve gotten so far, as well as everything that’s still to come… I’ll just keep out of the way.…

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