There is so much that I could say right now. So many things running round my head, so much that my brain is currently beginning to give language to.
I know that probably sounds weird, and I agree it does, but I don’t always think in words. Or language. Sometimes it’s simply too quick for words, and it’s just flashes. At other times it can be a feeling, a colour or a sensation.
I know, and have probably known for a while now, that I’m coming to one of those points in life where EVERYTHING could change. But I also know that to do this properly will mean stripping back everything. And by everything, I mean everything. It’s dangerous and quite frankly, I’m beyond terrified. I also know that this NEEDS to happen. Even if I lose what shreds of self I have. But I think it’s a jump that I’m going to have to make, because I’d rather not survive than continue as I am. Especially now that I’m in a position where I am able to objectively look at those closer to me and see what I see with everyone else with them but I can’t ignore it any longer. I can no longer justify being treated the way that I am by some in my circles. It’s not something I can stand seeing others be put through, and based on that basis, I shouldn’t be either (regardless of anything else I may think)
This weekend, I voiced something that only one other person has ever heard (my psychotherapist and that took over ten weeks to be able to actually define it into a coherent thought) and at that time there’s no way I could have done anything more with it, but now, I’ve put it out there, and I’ve made it truly real by getting it out of my head. I can no longer ignore or pretend it isn’t there.
I’m not in the position to post it out in the public domain. But I can try and explain in a more vague turn, and hopefully not fall into the world of psycho-babble.
There is a belief (as a belief is stronger than an idea), which I perceive to be a fundamental truth in my head. Everybody has those, that’s entirely normal. The problem is when it’s wrong. Because you build your view of everything around that fundamental belief. And to accept that that might be incorrect, and that everything you know is potentially not true is terrifying in a way that words cannot describe. Not only because the consequences could at worst mean destruction, but the fear that you don’t talk about. That you find out that the thing you’ve spent your life trying to disprove is actually correct. Because *that* is the one thing you can’t come back from. And it doesn’t matter who tells you how many times that that isn’t the case. The FEAR will exist while there’s doubt.
A big long conversation about hope was had over the weekend – what it is, how it’s used, how it’s expressed, internally and externally. Hope is to fear what darkness is to light. You can’t have light without darkness, and equally you can’t have hope without fear. And by eradicating the fear you destroy hope with knowledge, for better or worse. I’m not saying that it’s always a bad thing, but as someone who has built themselves around hope, if that’s destroyed what is left to build on?
In other news, I sorted out my bag o doom at silly o clock this morning as well. I ended up out on Saturday night unexpectedly and there were a couple of things that should have been there that perhaps weren’t. Work in progress but needs doing, especially with the weather being what it is now. I always have my onesie in there (if needs must and temp REALLY drops can always wear under clothes) as well as socks and travel wash bag, what I need to do now is make sure I’ve got a change of work ready top in there at all times (and trousers if it’s a weekend) and find my other USB plug. That way I’m fully prepared for everything, whether it’s weather related or other.
I’ve got a couple of little projects to get on the go as well, and potentially another money earning one which looking ahead could come in handy when tutoring drops off over the summer. I’ve had to hurriedly work out how much I’d charge though, and will need to sound my costings off as well – justifying being competitive enough to make some pennies, but not underpricing myself too much, as this is quite likely for me.
It’s these little things that are keeping me from completely losing it at the moment in all honesty, I think, as I’m not spending a lot of time really ruminating consciously on everything, and while it does leave me busy, it also gives me a better awareness – I know it’s coming, I’m not ready for it to happen just yet. It’s something that I know I can’t stop, and I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t want to stop it. I can’t make it come any quicker or slower. I just want to be able to go forwards. Whatever that means and whatever that entails. Even if it means my worst fears come true.