I haven’t really been able to write much or talk since Friday. As far as I know nothing happened then to change anything… But Sunday in particular onwards I’ve been in panic and flight mode. Right now everything says I need to push everyone away and hide.
This evening I forced myself out to dinner for a friends birthday. Knowing it was important to them helped me dig my heels in and actually make it. It didn’t stop the urge to run (and I mean run) from kicking in a bit further into the evening, despite being surrounded by people I KNOW mean no harm.
Sunday I spent just feeling panicky and with butterflies in places there shouldn’t be butterflies… Monday I felt useless and a complete failure by the end of the day and gave up and went to bed at 8.30. Today I felt like crawling into a hole and just laying down and waiting for someone to find my skeleton years later. The thing is I can’t tell you why. Even I don’t know??! Its like I hit a block when oi try and think about it. I’ve tried writing about how I’m feeling and what is behind it a few times, and nothing seems to come out… I try and talk and its like I’m struck dumb and I feel like I’m suffocating.
I’m scared I’m going to cut myself off. Not only from everyone, but from myself too. I’ve done it before spo its definitely possible… Thing is, its the LAST thing I want to do. But I’m not sure I have much choice in the matter. I can feel myself getting numb. The pain decreases, but so does everything else. I’m not sure I can take that. Even if it means breaking just to know I still bleed and feel.