And Now for Something Completely Different!

Yes, I may have watched a bit of Monty Python this week…

I managed a bit of sleep on Tuesday, but not a lot, mostly down to worrying about the doctor’s on Wednesday morning. Just a routine check up after abnormal results… at least that what I thought. It got there and got ambushed with a battery of tests and came out looking like a human pincushion after 4 holes for various bloods and 2 injections. But, it’s good that they’re being thorough, so I don’t mind too much. will have most of the results within 2 weeks as well, which will mean not long to be spent whickling.
Wednesday night I had some nightmares, but again woke up early and just got on with it.

Yesterday though I got to surprise my friend with a treat. We went to the premiere of Captain America: The Winter Soldier in IMAX- 3D. It was the first time both of us had seen an IMAX film and I think we can both say we were rather amazed by it.
The film being rather awesome probably helped. I’m not going to say much about it, because I’d rather people saw it and made up their own minds, but there was so much squee from little touches in there, and what’s going to be coming in further on. It was a really good evening, and the cup of tea to calm down afterwards was very much needed!!!

Today I’ve got work and then tutoring, and then it looks like an evening to myself. Which translates to cleaning up the kitchen. In the dark. Because the light is still broken… :/
tomorrow I’m working overtime, potentially seeing friends who are visiting from overseas before heading to roleplay and then try and relax a bit for the weekend. Maybe even get some actual sleep….

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time to fade away… it’s better than burning out.

On a good day I sometimes see myself as a fixer. I turn up, facilitate what is needed, whether it’s networking, encouragement, revealing a truth, or something practical…storm in a teacup if you like, and once the ripples settle, and things are moving the way they should, it’s time for me to move on. Little bit like Nanny MacPhee I guess… (!)

Today is not a good day.

Today I see myself as the hindrance to progress. I notice that I remove myself from the picture and things go better. Days like today it’s very hard to fight the idea that maybe I would be better off removed. That maybe I’m holding people back from their progress by being around.

Mostly though I’m angry. At myself more than anything. For listening, and for not listening. For pushing myself that bit too far, when I should have listened to the voice telling me to turn tail and flee. I’m angry at everything the last day or so though, and I DON’T like that. Last night I was hesitant about venturing into town because of St Patrick’s day, and the potential crowds and rowdiness.
I’d spoken to a friend about it, who’d said I should try to see my friends and not worry too much about what might not even happen. So I sucked it up and decided to go. I didn’t even have to get into town before encountering what I didn’t want to meet. They got on the bus. But, I decided I would push through and be able to calm down and would be OK. What I should have done, was got off the bus and turned around and gone home. Instead, I managed to calm down a bit, got the admin I needed to do out of the way, and realised that I wasn’t feeling brave enough to really talk to anyone. I ignored another point where I could have chosen to go home. Instead, telling myself it’ll be OK… and then some rather loud people got to playing some game, which set me right on edge again…and it was all downhill from that point. I came across as awkward, and I don’t know what… because I ended up feeling a bit interrogated when I asked a question, which made me want to RUN. I sat on it, but I was glad to be able to escape, and that isn’t right. I went home and went to bed. Not even an episode of QI helped, so I went to bed.

I woke up again covered in bruises. Second day in a row, although not the same place this time. Yesterday I’d blatantly been held down by the chest, as I can make out the handprints (there’s no way I could have done it to myself without removing my arms and switching them round… ) this morning, it’s my arms and shoulders that are suffering. Thank goodness for long-sleeved tops is all I’ll say about coming to work today. I don’t know what has happened while I’ve been sleeping – I remember struggling against being pinned and the bed being a mess upon waking up, so obviously been tossing/turning/writhing, but who or what I’ve been rallying against, I don’t have a clue. I’m not sure I want to either to be honest, although I also don’t want it to continue either. Ironic really, that normally I’m wanting to not remember what I dream about, that the one time it might be a good idea to have a clue is the one time I don’t. I’ll admit to being a bit uneasy about it, maybe even a little scared.

It’s certainly not the first time that what has happened in my dreams has spread into the real world, and it’s not even the worst occurances. The worst was being sliced in the ribs by a sword in my dream, and waking up to find my side opened up – 6″ long and a good half inch deep. No blood or anything, and nothing I could have done it on. And witnessed. I’ve woken up covered in scratches across my face and arms from being raked by claws, when I have no nails able to do that. And I’ve had bruises before I have a photo of the giant one in the middle of my back which a friend had found after I’d complained of back pain. A couple of weeks ago, I had a scar appear on my right arm overnight, including the ridge. The ridge has gone, but the scar is still there, and if I’d had the corresponding injury to it, I would have known. Why it happens, and why it comes through to waking life, I don’t know. Wish I did! I’d like to understand it… but this feels different. I can’t explain why or how, maybe it’s because there is a definite handprint, or maybe it was the feeling of being pinned down and the panic associated with that, I don’t know…. but there is a point where it starts to sound a little crazy, even to me. And I think this is getting to that point. I don’t have a clue where to begin as to understanding it, let alone being able to do something about it… any any suggestions would be welcomed, cause I’ll consider anything as an option, even that I’m just losing my sanity. I’m sure plenty think that… and maybe they are right. I don’t know… but this is a bit odd, even for me…. are alarm bells ringing for anyone else??

lazing on a Sunday afternoon.

This is the first weekend that I’ve had completely off in a while. I always try to not pack my weekend out because I’m so busy through the week, and a typical weekend now usually consists of Saturday mornings being filled with admin/chores/housework, and soon, thanks to exam season fast approaching, extra tutoring, before heading out for roleplay/catch up with friends, and more often than not, staying over on Saturday, and heading back on Sunday. This works quite well, for a lot of reasons, one being that it motivates me to get the boring stuff out of the way by Saturday lunchtime, otherwise I have to tackle it on the Sunday evening, which just leaves it hanging over the weekend. It also means that I don’t just become a hermit, and hide, which would be a bit too easy for me- especially of late, and it means I actually have some downtime factored in, as well as a ready excuse for the inevitable contacts of “oh its the weekend, you can help with….” Which if I only have my own stuff to get done gets the response of “oh well, you can move that around, squish this in…” And because I’m a pushover, I usually say yes, and then end up without the time to do the admin/housework/my stuff afterwards, whereas plans with others are a lot more difficult to dismiss out of hand.

This weekend though, I went away to visit friends I haven’t seen in a while, which has been a really nice change, although it has been really really weird to have a weekend with such a slow pace, as I feel like I haven’t “done” anything. I arrived on Friday evening, before I would have gotten home had I been tutoring, and got a sandwich, watched a gameplay video and had an early night. Yesterday, we went out for a walk around the centre of the town, had lunch out, and then got ingredients for me to make cake (as I always make something by request of my hosts) and watched a fair bit of River cottage, whilst trying to work out how I would make said cake. I succeeded with the cake, which was a berry topped chilli chocolate cake, and watched some random quiz stuff before bed. Today I’ve gotten up, read a bit, and will probably go for a little walk, to take advantage of the sun before heading home later.  Seems like nothing really, but actually, I’ve had time to think about stuff that’s been going round my head, as well as plan out a little more of my book, which I’ll probably get on with on my way home, and generally have a little bit of time to REST, and therefore, heal.

I’ve still had a fair amount of pain this weekend, but its not been all over, and its been manageable, and has lessened over the time in proportion to my inactivity. Now, my shoulders and upper back are what’s causing trouble, along with my arms, and that to be honest probably has more to do with being hunched up in pain the last few days than anything else, and I daresay a good massage would go a long way to sort that out too (I should be that lucky though), although that’s something I can put up with.

I think I need to look at my time management again, and plan in small patches of downtime through the day. I manage this quite well at work, but I could make better time of it in transit, for example, which might help things along a bit. I also need to try and get back on top of sleep, and eating properly, which means I just need to give myself a good kick up the arse more than anything! Because I’ve been feeling really crappy in general and tearing myself to pieces I stop caring about it, but I need to just do it, even if it means setting reminders on my phone, or notes on the fridge. I also need to go through food groups and make sure I’m planning enough of things in said foods, and generally make it so I try and look after myself a bit, even when its the last thing I want to do.

This week I’ve had to face up to the fact that I simply can’t get away with doing things I had done in the past, when I’ve ended up feeling that bad, and, again, having to challenge myself over the fact that if it was someone else doing that to themselves I wouldn’t stand by and let them. Whether I outrightly challenged it or tackled it by stealth would depend on the person, but I wouldn’t let it stand, so I should let myself do it either.

So, yes, I have screwed up recently. A lot. I don’t think it would be helpful to explain the various how’s and why’s right now, as I’d just end up more annoyed at myself, and lo and behold we’d be starting it all over again. But I can always hope that next time, I will do better, and spot myself falling before I am forced to acknowledge I fell a while before. Not just talking about not looking after myself here, but the same goes. Its just easier for me to talk about that context, than all the other things.

Possibly time to make a few lists as well, and then discuss how best to tackle them…. As well as try to realise that i may not have to try and do this all by myself, and that i dont have to shut myself away until ive fixed things…But one step at a time I think, at least until I can learn to walk again….

 

It’s Friday… [insert suitable lyric here]

It’s been a very up and down week, all in. From the low of Tuesday through to Wednesday and being forced to leave work at lunchtime to go home to bed, and everything that entailed, spilling into Thursday where I battled through it, had a really bad day with my insides, but generally felt a little more human, if still in a lot of pain, but with welcome distraction in the evening, through to today, where my insides are generally feeling better – I no longer feel like throwing up if I move too quick, or get jerked around too much, and I don’t look like I have a wind baby- the pain is manageable, and the swelling has gone down mostly, and I’m quite looking forwards to finishing work, and going to the pub for an hour or so before getting on a train and disappearing for the weekend.

It’s been a while since I’ve done that… and an even longer time since I’ve done it and told virtually no-one I’m doing it. Only the people I’m going to see and three of my best friends know. Not that I’ve particularly meant to hide it, just that I don’t feel like publicizing it much.  If nothing else, it’ll be nice to mix things up a bit. For all the ways I don’t necessarily deal with change particularly well, I don’t like things to get too much into the same, which working the hours I work is kinda unavoidable. Which is one of the reasons I’m so grateful for the time I spend with one of my friends. We do it on a regular basis, but do something different each time. It’s a good break to things.

Anyway.

I have decided a couple of things the last couple of days.

 

One, I need to drink more water. The weather has gotten warmer, I’ve ended up with cramp a few times, and have generally been pretty dehydrated.

Two, I need to look at my sleep. Not the lack or disturbed-ness of it, because that’s kind of self-explanatory, but the other bits. Like this morning, I woke up with bruises again. Not ones I could have caused inadvertently though, as it would have involved removing both arms and pressing down on my chest. Fortunately I don’t tend to show my cleavage much! I don’t remember anything in particular happening in my sleep last night. Only that it wasn’t as much as I would have liked it to be.

 

The next post I make will probably be one about sleep and stuff around then… word of advice it won’t necessarily be the most normal post.. which might well be made in transit on my way down south this evening…

Sara’s Choice.

First off, I apologise if this doesn’t make as much sense as it might.

I haven’t slept yet, and words are not massively forthcoming as it is, but I need to man up and just get on.

Currently, I’m at a crossroads. Unfortunately there isn’t a path I can choose which won’t present a problem.

I could choose to go backwards. That’s a no go in itself. I know what lies there. Nope.

To the sides lie the people I love and care a lot about. Problem with this is that because I have dared to do this, I am afraid they’ll be hurt.

On one side, I could choose to walk away, which would prevent them from being inevitably hurt and disappointed when they eventually work out just what a shitstorm of a mess I am and what happens to those I care about. Something I can’t let happen anymore.  On the other side, I could stay, and wait to be discovered. To be seen for the fraud I am.  I could also go straight ahead… where I crumble and show just how fragile and broken I am… and wait for everyone to run. And I would wholeheartedly understand their reasoning to it as well.

Logically I know someone will probably point out the fact that I haven’t considered the other option… that actually, they won’t and it will be OK. I have to accept that there is a possibility, otherwise I’d be as much of a zealot as the creationists. But it’s not something I can see, or believe. And that in itself saddens me. Because for EVERYTHING I have fought for over the last two years… I still can’t grasp that. And I’m honestly not sure I ever will. I’ve taken down a lot of the walls I’ve put up over a very long time, but there’s still a huge amount to go, and aside from my own concerns that I lack the strength and the will and the ability to get there.

I know I’m not explaining any of this well at all. But I need to try.

This choice is nigh on impossible for me.  But I know I can’t escape it. I’m not thinking about the path of least resistance either. What I’m thinking about is what will cause the least damage. I’d rather sacrifice myself in favour of those I care about. They are worth it- I am not. That’s the way that I see it. And I *hope* (because whatever else, hope, cruel mistress that she is will always remain) that I can change things so maybe I can see what others see that I am blind to. For now, the best I can do is accept that others have their opinion, which is a lot more objective than mine, and that if I respect their opinion then I have to give just cause and consideration to that.

So I guess the path I need to take is to move forwards. And hope against everything I KNOW so far, and accepting that I don’t yet know everything, that I am wrong. Because I’m not sure I can walk this path alone, the others, yes. But not this one. Because I need to smash what’s left to smithereens before I can make any salvage from the ruins. And that’s something I can’t do by myself, let alone anything that follows.

I guess this is me asking for help. Not sure who what or how, but I’m at the limit of what I am able to do on my own I think.

But I also need to try and maintain a bit of perspective. And remember that actually I would NEVER have considered that I might even be in this position one day. So to be here and having to consider all of this is in itself, a victory.  I also need to try and remember that not everyone is actually out solely for their own gain. That there are other people who care as much as I do about people they care about.

I also need to remember that actually, every time I cry, every time I have to stop and think about something and reconsider whether or not it’s right to dismiss it out of hand or consider that there may be a point. Every time that I feel, it’s another chink in armour that was built with the intention of NEVER failing. Armour that *needs* to be broken.

At the moment, I want to just retreat into the numbness and the nothingness but I know I can’t do that indefinitely. I hate being so mistrusting and suspicious of everything, and I hate myself for being so stuck. I don’t use that word often, but it’s the right word for this. I don’t want to.. and that’s where the battle is. Because I know I’m not at the bottom yet, and those people who for whatever reason do actually give a stuff will have to deal with that, and they don’t deserve to.

 

I’m stuck running round my own head again at the moment. Kinda glad my student today has cancelled. Maybe I will be able to just go sit in the park for a while, or go for a walk in an effort to quieten the torrent somewhat. Maybe I should just let it spill… I don’t know.

Answers on a postcard I guess…

I’m still finding it hard to find words. But I feel like both a burden, a disappointment and a let down to those I care about. That’s the danger of caring to start with I suppose, and the risk that you take with it. 

I don’t have many things that are black and white for me. One is that if I make a promise, it gets kept. Another is that I don’t cause hurt for those I care about. If that happens then it gets fixed or the situation is changed. That can mean removing myself. I know that my head is getting at me at the moment and that isn’t helping matters at all. 

For example, this evening, I started feeling like I had overstayed my welcome, which has happened a couple of times the last few days as well.  I’m meant to be staying at a friends tomorrow for pancake day, but now I’m not tutoring so will be about earlier, I may actually go home, even though when I’m on my own I just curl up in bed and beat myself up for feeling shit. I did it on sunday, and if I’d gone home after work would have done today too. Not sure whether that might have been better to be honest… But at least then I’m not having to worry whether I’m annoying anyone else or being in the way…

I hate feeling like this because I feel helpless, which I then hate myself for because I shouldn’t. Talk about a vicious cycle… 

Thing is I don’t want to push everyone away..its an instinctive defense to stop myself from taking more out on myself than I already am.. but it’s so well ingrained that I’m not sure there’s any hope of being able to overturn it for any length. I’ve already started to lay the groundwork to withdraw with as little impact as possible tonight and not even realised it until now, by showing uncertainty about attending the moot on Thursday, (even though part of that is not wanting to deal with certain people), but in the process I feel like I’ve disappointed people and hurt them, which goes against what I’m trying to do. That’s the last thing I wanted to do, and I can’t apologise enough for that. Now I need to have the strength to not use that in itself as justification for cutting myself off entirely…which I’m not sure I have.

Not sure I have the strength to hold back the tears before I get off the bus, even, at the moment.

I just wish I had some clue as to what to do… Aside from run.