I’m still finding it hard to find words. But I feel like both a burden, a disappointment and a let down to those I care about. That’s the danger of caring to start with I suppose, and the risk that you take with it.
I don’t have many things that are black and white for me. One is that if I make a promise, it gets kept. Another is that I don’t cause hurt for those I care about. If that happens then it gets fixed or the situation is changed. That can mean removing myself. I know that my head is getting at me at the moment and that isn’t helping matters at all.
For example, this evening, I started feeling like I had overstayed my welcome, which has happened a couple of times the last few days as well. I’m meant to be staying at a friends tomorrow for pancake day, but now I’m not tutoring so will be about earlier, I may actually go home, even though when I’m on my own I just curl up in bed and beat myself up for feeling shit. I did it on sunday, and if I’d gone home after work would have done today too. Not sure whether that might have been better to be honest… But at least then I’m not having to worry whether I’m annoying anyone else or being in the way…
I hate feeling like this because I feel helpless, which I then hate myself for because I shouldn’t. Talk about a vicious cycle…
Thing is I don’t want to push everyone away..its an instinctive defense to stop myself from taking more out on myself than I already am.. but it’s so well ingrained that I’m not sure there’s any hope of being able to overturn it for any length. I’ve already started to lay the groundwork to withdraw with as little impact as possible tonight and not even realised it until now, by showing uncertainty about attending the moot on Thursday, (even though part of that is not wanting to deal with certain people), but in the process I feel like I’ve disappointed people and hurt them, which goes against what I’m trying to do. That’s the last thing I wanted to do, and I can’t apologise enough for that. Now I need to have the strength to not use that in itself as justification for cutting myself off entirely…which I’m not sure I have.
Not sure I have the strength to hold back the tears before I get off the bus, even, at the moment.
I just wish I had some clue as to what to do… Aside from run.