First off, I apologise if this doesn’t make as much sense as it might.
I haven’t slept yet, and words are not massively forthcoming as it is, but I need to man up and just get on.
Currently, I’m at a crossroads. Unfortunately there isn’t a path I can choose which won’t present a problem.
I could choose to go backwards. That’s a no go in itself. I know what lies there. Nope.
To the sides lie the people I love and care a lot about. Problem with this is that because I have dared to do this, I am afraid they’ll be hurt.
On one side, I could choose to walk away, which would prevent them from being inevitably hurt and disappointed when they eventually work out just what a shitstorm of a mess I am and what happens to those I care about. Something I can’t let happen anymore. On the other side, I could stay, and wait to be discovered. To be seen for the fraud I am. I could also go straight ahead… where I crumble and show just how fragile and broken I am… and wait for everyone to run. And I would wholeheartedly understand their reasoning to it as well.
Logically I know someone will probably point out the fact that I haven’t considered the other option… that actually, they won’t and it will be OK. I have to accept that there is a possibility, otherwise I’d be as much of a zealot as the creationists. But it’s not something I can see, or believe. And that in itself saddens me. Because for EVERYTHING I have fought for over the last two years… I still can’t grasp that. And I’m honestly not sure I ever will. I’ve taken down a lot of the walls I’ve put up over a very long time, but there’s still a huge amount to go, and aside from my own concerns that I lack the strength and the will and the ability to get there.
I know I’m not explaining any of this well at all. But I need to try.
This choice is nigh on impossible for me. But I know I can’t escape it. I’m not thinking about the path of least resistance either. What I’m thinking about is what will cause the least damage. I’d rather sacrifice myself in favour of those I care about. They are worth it- I am not. That’s the way that I see it. And I *hope* (because whatever else, hope, cruel mistress that she is will always remain) that I can change things so maybe I can see what others see that I am blind to. For now, the best I can do is accept that others have their opinion, which is a lot more objective than mine, and that if I respect their opinion then I have to give just cause and consideration to that.
So I guess the path I need to take is to move forwards. And hope against everything I KNOW so far, and accepting that I don’t yet know everything, that I am wrong. Because I’m not sure I can walk this path alone, the others, yes. But not this one. Because I need to smash what’s left to smithereens before I can make any salvage from the ruins. And that’s something I can’t do by myself, let alone anything that follows.
I guess this is me asking for help. Not sure who what or how, but I’m at the limit of what I am able to do on my own I think.
But I also need to try and maintain a bit of perspective. And remember that actually I would NEVER have considered that I might even be in this position one day. So to be here and having to consider all of this is in itself, a victory. I also need to try and remember that not everyone is actually out solely for their own gain. That there are other people who care as much as I do about people they care about.
I also need to remember that actually, every time I cry, every time I have to stop and think about something and reconsider whether or not it’s right to dismiss it out of hand or consider that there may be a point. Every time that I feel, it’s another chink in armour that was built with the intention of NEVER failing. Armour that *needs* to be broken.
At the moment, I want to just retreat into the numbness and the nothingness but I know I can’t do that indefinitely. I hate being so mistrusting and suspicious of everything, and I hate myself for being so stuck. I don’t use that word often, but it’s the right word for this. I don’t want to.. and that’s where the battle is. Because I know I’m not at the bottom yet, and those people who for whatever reason do actually give a stuff will have to deal with that, and they don’t deserve to.
I’m stuck running round my own head again at the moment. Kinda glad my student today has cancelled. Maybe I will be able to just go sit in the park for a while, or go for a walk in an effort to quieten the torrent somewhat. Maybe I should just let it spill… I don’t know.
Answers on a postcard I guess…