dreams and journeys

The last couple of weeks has seen a bit of a shift when it comes to sleep and dreams… while the nightmares and night terrors are still there, as is the insomnia, the other dreams, for it’s not all bad, have taken on a bit more meaning, and a bit more of a role. After a few pretty bad nights, I found myself at my usual place at the weekend, with my best friends, and after a good evening of talking, turned in pretty late… and ended up having a night of tossing and turning, and then in the morning a dream that completely blindsided me. I had drempt of a time period I know very little about, and yet was so so real. I ended up being manacled into a torture position, and having iron nails driven through me. That’s the very basic jist of it, anyway. As you can imagine I awoke feeling pretty freaked out by that.. but talking it through, and with a bit of listening and explaining, we established that it wasn’t ‘just’ a dream, but a shamanic dream- where what had happened, whilst it wasn’t pleasant by any means, had a lesson, something to take away.. the what and wherefores are for another time there, but needless to say, I am taking notice, and doing my best with what I’ve been given.

Friday night was another bad night. I’d gone to bed early as it was, having not had a great evening, and had ended up having a very restless night. So I got up at a very early time, got a couple of bits done, and by 8am I’d done everything, so put on some music, and settled down in my chair to try and relax a bit…
Somewhere during the duration of the CD, I’d managed to get to that place that isn’t awake, and not asleep… the same place you go sometimes when meditating, or sometimes when working with some practices. I hadn’t really noticed or realised, and went to lean back into the chair, and got a massive shock as I felt my shoulders lowering themselves not onto the cushioned back of the chair, but instead into a mass of coiling snakes. They weren’t bothered by this, and just kept moving – I could feel the undulating motion of them all against me- and there was no noise.. Needless to say I shot out of the chair pretty quickly and was really rather freaked out.
Discussing it later though, it turned out that actually, this maynot be such a bad thing at all, with another positive to take away.

Today saw the latest of the drumming workshops, and during the times spent journeying,having built and gone though my door, I reached another door, which was not at all what I had expected. I did not go through as I was unsure and a bit anxious about it, and later this evening, I realised why. the other side of the door is everything I’ve hidden, and the door appearing means that it’s getting to a time to go and examine just what’s in there, and I’m not going to lie; the idea of that terrifies me to an extent, as I know some of the things waiting there. Others, I just hope are not too damaged or warped to be able to deal with, but others still I just hope weren’t destroyed utterly. But, there’s one vital thing to remember, and that is that I don’t have to do it alone, which is good, as I’m honestly not so sure I can. Not this….

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All of the weird.

So yeah… 

I’ve been mega busy which is no real excuse, but it’s been a weird week and a bit, even in my world. 

I will document it all at some point, properly, but I’ve got drawings and scribbles saving the place for me. 

One thing that I have decided though is that I need to get more organised. Especially as I’m about to hit the busiest part of my year. Not only is work busy enough for me to be doing overtime on a bank holiday (at double pay) but it’s exam period. So not only do I have my regular sessions, but Saturday morning workshops as well. It’s good for me, money wise – and will mean I hit one of my bucket list targets for this year, but it’s good for them too – as they’ll be as prepped as possible, but it does mean I’m likely to go quiet. I’m very aware that I’m going to need time not only for myself, but to actually have with my friends as well. I can’t simply shut myself away for the next eight weeks, and I also can’t do everything I’d normally do. Not without burning out. 

So the answer is get a strategy in place to actually take care of myself. One thing I’ve already done is cut down massively on gluten, and especially wheat. It’s something I’ve been planning to do, but I am actually getting on with it! I also need to get on with swimming, which will be early morning sessions. I will hate it, but it’s good. And then I need to find time to slow down and calm down as well as concentrate on all the things I want to do as well! Not going to be easy, but I have a plan. Sticking to it will be hard! And making the most of buses and travel time as well. This weekend though is one to be spent with friends, and whilst there’s plenty planned for it, It’s going to be a good one to have some decent downtime in. 

Had quite a few big thoughts through the last few days, especially around the nature of pain – physical and otherwise. Partly stemming from conversations had over the last week, partly through re-reading some stuff I’d written a while ago, and some other bits as well. Not sure I can cohesively explain my thoughts as yet, but it might be something of use, so I will at least try and get that down into a readable form soon.