What we have here….is failure…. to communicate….

I’ve found it hard to write recently.

Mostly down to lack of time, as when I do feel able to write, I’m inevitably in no position to be able to do so. Then if I do sit down, there are no words. Something that happens a lot lately.

I’ve learnt and realised an awful lot of late. Too much to list. Some of the things I don’t know I know yet… but I know them… if that makes sense?

And I’ve been the busiest I’ve ever been between students and other commitments, work, and those I care for. I knew that it would be a struggle, but all of a sudden, mid June, and the end is in sight. I’d joked a while ago that I’d scheduled the weekend everything finishes as being the weekend I fall apart and break down. I’m not sure that isn’t too far from the truth to be honest. More and more I feel weighed down physically as well as in other ways by the weights I tend to bear. The world would probably be an exaggeration, but sometimes isn’t too far off.  The thing is that balances out the forces pushing outwards from the inside. Well, that’s usually the case. There’s an imbalance of late. Which is why I’m feeling it more. Maybe I will need to look at both sides to try and sort them out.  I’m still finding myself unable to express myself, and to speak about things, or write, or anything really when it comes to some things. I’m beginning to understand that a little more on that front I think… and it was always going to be an issue at some point – I found my sneaky little birth chart going through some papers yesterday and re-read it and for the first time realised just how… different I am in some ways to others. Most of the charts I see are generally spread over a few things. Mine isn’t. At some point I might post it up… but I think come mid-June, there will be changes made.

Recently started helping a very very good friend, who has helped me a lot of late. It’s nice to be able to reciprocate in some small way as I like being able to show I care by being able to help, not just so I retain a modicum of usefulness and therefore a reason to be kept around…so this is good.  Reminded me I have stuff I need to sort too. And of course we have some plans made,  short, medium and longer term..and it’s kinda nice to have a partner in crime and things to look forwards to.

First thing I need to do though, ultimately is get through the door that’s appeared and has been making itself more and more known of late. Just let me get to mid June first… or at least a point where I get enough time to actually spend looking at it….and then deal with the inability to talk…. and then… well… there’s a whole list. But one thing at a time eh?

 

The birth of a star.

Last night I remembered the little girl. I don’t think of her often, but last night I did. She is seven, maybe approaching eight years old, with shorts just above the knee and a white polo shirt on. From behind you can see her long dark blonde hair is dishevelled and trying to escape it’s bindings, and she could be playing hide and seek- until she turns around.
Her face is bloodied – her front teeth have obviously been knocked out before they were ready, and you realise that the dishevelled hair has been pulled roughly. Her arms are covered in scratches and the first blushes of purple bruising. Her knees are skinned, the right one full of gravel, and the left is also bruised.

She doesn’t cry. Instead, she looks around, and checks she is alone. She closes her eyes and wills the pain and the confusion, the fear and the questions away. To her surprise it goes, and keeps on going the more she wills it.

What she didn’t realise was that day, a neutron star was formed.

I don’t think of her often. Only when the neutron star makes itself known and threatens to consume me and I feel as if I’ll be sucked in. When the pain rears it’s head and hurts in all senses. Not just the physical. When all I can do is stop myself from screaming, and push back against the expanding blast that threatens. That’s all I know how to do… put it back in the box in the box in the box in the room in the place I daren’t go.
Last night I thought of her, and the moment the neutron star was born.

Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier to just be consumed by it. There is no picking it apart and that is what worries me. It’s all or nothing, and I’m not so sure I can withstand the blast.
But I can’t sit and allow myself to be consumed from the inside…. not any more… so I choose the hard road.

A Change (A change) Will do you good…

I think I’m very much in a period of change at the moment, in all areas and senses of the word. From the little things, like actually paying attention to the fact I need to wear my glasses more when I’m reading (yep, I wear glasses, not that you’d know as I generally don’t… ) to the feeling that I’m on the cusp of something.. which is backed up by other things happening around me, and it’s generally good.
I’ve never been great at change, as usually it’s always been for the worse, and out of my control entirely. All I’ve been able to do is to make the best of what can only be described as an utterly shitty situation, and, if I say so myself, I don’t think that I’ve done a terrible job of that.

But this is different.

Taking a step back from the minutae and actually looking at how the last eighteen months have been leading me to this point reminds me just why serendipity is such a powerful unseen force in the world. I would never have expected eighteen months ago that I would be back in the city I grew up in, especially after leaving it in the circumstances I did. I didn’t know that I would have a job that for the most part, at least, I genuinely enjoy, with people I care about and want to succeed along with me. Nor did I think that I would be paying off the debts accumulated from my former life (albeit slowly) and in my own place (rented, of course) and generally how wanted things to be so long ago. But I can see the pokes and prods along the way that led me to the decisions that saw me leaving everything I had built, and was happy enough with. I wasn’t doing badly there- I’d made a life, and had things there I can’t have here. Namely the sea by my side; which was the best comfort I could ask for. A place to go and lay on a warm day, and on the nights where I couldn’t sleep due to night terrors, I could wrap up, and go to my beach (as I only ever saw 3 other people on that particular stretch) and either walk along the waters edge, watching the waves lapping at my feet, get mad and scream out into the nothingness of the North Sea, or just curl up with a blanket on the rocks, and listen to the sound of the waves until I was calm again, and able to consider sleep, or at least something else rather than the terrors of what had gone before.
Don’t get me wrong. I do miss it. Especially on bad nights. Even though I live now in an area where I wouldn’t be too afraid to go out for a walk at 3am, it’s just not got the same effect as that did, but that’s OK.

The thing you can never account for though, is people. They will always surprise you. Most of my experience has been that of a negative surprise, but recently, the tables have turned, and I’m learning a lot of things that I would never have thought I would learn. It was people who sowed the seeds about making things better, about making the changes that lead me to this point. And for that I am truly grateful. To them, for being agents of Serendipity, and to myself for being open enough to listen out for the cues and to be daring enough to make the leap that seemed so backwards whilst I was in the middle of it.

And now, I stand on the cusp of a huge change. For years and years and years I have sat on so many things, so many emotions choked down because showing them would make me easy prey, so many things I couldn’t or wouldn’t do to make sure the status quo was upset. That can never be undone, or unwritten, but it can be one side of a line drawn in the sand. But first, I have to allow it onto the sand. And that is where I currently stand. I’ve build a foundation here, and gotten people around me – the right people ready for when I choose to open that door. As it is a choice. My choice.
When I do open the door, I fully expect all kinds of shit to come out, and I’m half expecting to have a complete breakdown… the precedent is there at least, as I recall when I last touched on any of this. Some of it escaped. Of it’s own accord, as I simply didn’t have the strength to hold it there anymore. And that messed me up for a fair amount of time. Going into therapy helped but didn’t fix it. Just helped me with the tools to be able to not deny it, which in itself was huge progress.
But it’s time to take that step, and to actually open the door out of choice. Again, taking a step back and looking I can see where it’s making itself known. The writhing ball of fear that comes to the surface when I start thinking about a dangerous topic that I’m loathe to acknowledge. The physical lump in the throat and oesophagus when I *think* about trying to express emotion and my own opinions.. the pain I get in two spots in my back, that are actually in quite particular locations which seem to reflect internal goings on. The dreams, the nightmares, the night terrors. It’s time.
And that terrifies me, because I know just how much stuff is in there. How much I had to throw in and never deal with or look at because I wasn’t in any place or position to be able to even consider it. How many things I never even thought I was *allowed* to think were wrong because I deserve it right? I don’t know whether there’ll be an explosion or an implosion when I open the door. Whether I’ll break, or just lose the ability to feel. But I know it won’t last forever, and I know I won’t be alone with it either. Although that causes it’s own issues in some way – as I don’t feel worth enough to bother anyone else with my crap, I am combating that by reminding myself that they are making that choice to want to stand with me in this. There isn’t a sense of duty or obligation. It’s because they *want* to. So now, I just need to try and make it through the generic busy period of the next few weeks without it catching me out before I can reach it, as it would be cruel indeed to have come so far and to fall at the last hurdle.