I think I’m very much in a period of change at the moment, in all areas and senses of the word. From the little things, like actually paying attention to the fact I need to wear my glasses more when I’m reading (yep, I wear glasses, not that you’d know as I generally don’t… ) to the feeling that I’m on the cusp of something.. which is backed up by other things happening around me, and it’s generally good.
I’ve never been great at change, as usually it’s always been for the worse, and out of my control entirely. All I’ve been able to do is to make the best of what can only be described as an utterly shitty situation, and, if I say so myself, I don’t think that I’ve done a terrible job of that.
But this is different.
Taking a step back from the minutae and actually looking at how the last eighteen months have been leading me to this point reminds me just why serendipity is such a powerful unseen force in the world. I would never have expected eighteen months ago that I would be back in the city I grew up in, especially after leaving it in the circumstances I did. I didn’t know that I would have a job that for the most part, at least, I genuinely enjoy, with people I care about and want to succeed along with me. Nor did I think that I would be paying off the debts accumulated from my former life (albeit slowly) and in my own place (rented, of course) and generally how wanted things to be so long ago. But I can see the pokes and prods along the way that led me to the decisions that saw me leaving everything I had built, and was happy enough with. I wasn’t doing badly there- I’d made a life, and had things there I can’t have here. Namely the sea by my side; which was the best comfort I could ask for. A place to go and lay on a warm day, and on the nights where I couldn’t sleep due to night terrors, I could wrap up, and go to my beach (as I only ever saw 3 other people on that particular stretch) and either walk along the waters edge, watching the waves lapping at my feet, get mad and scream out into the nothingness of the North Sea, or just curl up with a blanket on the rocks, and listen to the sound of the waves until I was calm again, and able to consider sleep, or at least something else rather than the terrors of what had gone before.
Don’t get me wrong. I do miss it. Especially on bad nights. Even though I live now in an area where I wouldn’t be too afraid to go out for a walk at 3am, it’s just not got the same effect as that did, but that’s OK.
The thing you can never account for though, is people. They will always surprise you. Most of my experience has been that of a negative surprise, but recently, the tables have turned, and I’m learning a lot of things that I would never have thought I would learn. It was people who sowed the seeds about making things better, about making the changes that lead me to this point. And for that I am truly grateful. To them, for being agents of Serendipity, and to myself for being open enough to listen out for the cues and to be daring enough to make the leap that seemed so backwards whilst I was in the middle of it.
And now, I stand on the cusp of a huge change. For years and years and years I have sat on so many things, so many emotions choked down because showing them would make me easy prey, so many things I couldn’t or wouldn’t do to make sure the status quo was upset. That can never be undone, or unwritten, but it can be one side of a line drawn in the sand. But first, I have to allow it onto the sand. And that is where I currently stand. I’ve build a foundation here, and gotten people around me – the right people ready for when I choose to open that door. As it is a choice. My choice.
When I do open the door, I fully expect all kinds of shit to come out, and I’m half expecting to have a complete breakdown… the precedent is there at least, as I recall when I last touched on any of this. Some of it escaped. Of it’s own accord, as I simply didn’t have the strength to hold it there anymore. And that messed me up for a fair amount of time. Going into therapy helped but didn’t fix it. Just helped me with the tools to be able to not deny it, which in itself was huge progress.
But it’s time to take that step, and to actually open the door out of choice. Again, taking a step back and looking I can see where it’s making itself known. The writhing ball of fear that comes to the surface when I start thinking about a dangerous topic that I’m loathe to acknowledge. The physical lump in the throat and oesophagus when I *think* about trying to express emotion and my own opinions.. the pain I get in two spots in my back, that are actually in quite particular locations which seem to reflect internal goings on. The dreams, the nightmares, the night terrors. It’s time.
And that terrifies me, because I know just how much stuff is in there. How much I had to throw in and never deal with or look at because I wasn’t in any place or position to be able to even consider it. How many things I never even thought I was *allowed* to think were wrong because I deserve it right? I don’t know whether there’ll be an explosion or an implosion when I open the door. Whether I’ll break, or just lose the ability to feel. But I know it won’t last forever, and I know I won’t be alone with it either. Although that causes it’s own issues in some way – as I don’t feel worth enough to bother anyone else with my crap, I am combating that by reminding myself that they are making that choice to want to stand with me in this. There isn’t a sense of duty or obligation. It’s because they *want* to. So now, I just need to try and make it through the generic busy period of the next few weeks without it catching me out before I can reach it, as it would be cruel indeed to have come so far and to fall at the last hurdle.