An Update.

Summer is ending.

I haven’t really seen that much of it this year. 5 Weeks in a hospital bed, 2 weeks in a hospital bed, but not in a hospital.

I tried posting a couple of weeks ago, about a day, but WordPress lost the post, and didn’t even save a draft copy, which was annoying.

So instead I come to post again.

I don’t know if I’ve changed much in the while since the accident. People tell me I’ve lost weight, and maybe I have, but that’s just a bonus really. I’ve done what I always do, which is to take things as they come, after all, once they’ve happened, I can’t change that. All I can do is get on with it. So since this injury, which according to the consultant and medical journals is classed as “life-altering” I’ve just gotten on with it.  From waking up with an external fixator on my leg, and being told it would be there for six weeks, and would need a second operation the day after to fix the artery which was damaged beyond repair, to being told the frame would be taken off a little early due to the recurrence of an infection in the pin site, to the realisation that Iwouldn’t be able to go home after getting out, or for some time after that.

I’ve had moments of being angry, definitely. At myself, at the hospital for not diagnosing me correctly to begin with, at the hospital for being stuck in an environment which does nothing but destroy your spirit and will. At objects being in the way, or out of reach even, but those moments have passed quickly, and I’ve instead made the best of it.

There’s frustration too, a hell of a lot of that. Mostly for the simple things I can no longer do without help. I can’t just get up and go get a drink if I’m thirsty, or go to the toilet unaided. If it’s not within my immediate reach I have to ask for help. THAT is frustrating, especially for someone as independent as I am. But I know that it will pass. I may never be able to run again, maybe I won’t be able to walk any kind of distance anymore – which in itself, for me, would be soul-destroying, but at the end of the day I’ve survived, and I’ve made it through this event.

I see people around me getting frustrated – I don’t necessarily have a lot else I can do – and when people come to see me, I can often see what else is going on, and I  know full well, there are lots of people who are having their own battles with their own frustrations at the moment. I can’t say anything though a lot of the time, because unless you can accept that you are struggling, angry, frustrated, annoyed, or anything, then you are stuck there. Whether you’re convinced that you can’t handle much more because you’re trying so hard to keep everything going, or if it’s because you’re trying to be strong for someone else who is fighting their own demons. Whether it’s that you’re not moving forwards with work as quickly as you’d like, or that a business is going through a dry patch. Until you actually accept that, you’re not going to be able to move yourself out of it at all.

And that can be the hardest thing in the world.

It’s only when you do this you can plan – when you can accept that you’re terrified of flying because you’re scared of heights, or enclosed spaces, you can begin to work to overcome that, starting small, and working up to something challenging – of if you accept that it’s a dry patch in your business – you can begin to look at alternative strategies for marketing – adding something new, or networking, just to discover it’s not just you. The thing is you’re never as alone as you think, but unless you communicate that, you’ll be stuck in the dark shady world of can’t, and noone else can get you out of there.

I certainly don’t have all the answers, far from it. I get frustrated over not being able to do stuff every day, multiple times a day, but I do see what other people go through and feel and think, and wish they could be as pragmatic as I am sometimes. But we’re all different, and that’s a good thing. We all have different strengths, skills and weaknesses, and the right combination of friends will cover all bases – and you never know, if you actually acknowledge your struggle, there’ll be others struggling too, and probably someone who is able to help. But you have to take that step. And sometimes the hardest thing of all is waiting for someone to realise that for themselves, and knowing until then, there’s nothing that you can do.

 

I’ve got a long hard road ahead of me and it will be full of frustrations, and at times, it will feel impossible, like I can’t possibly do it all, but it will just be temporary, and I’m lucky to have people around who are able to remind me of that when I stumble and fall. And I will be that person for those I care about as much as I am able, but the one thing I cannot counter from experience is pride.

 

but that’s another story for another day. I just wish people were able to lay it aside and admit when they’re struggling before things blow up and come to a head. Then the rest of us can help.

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still here, still hanging on

its 4.15 in the morning. I see this time most nights now if im honest. life in the hospital is anything but peaceful. ive been here since july 7th. its a long.time- 4 weeks tomorrow in fact, now that were into saturday.

I am still sane. kind of, at least.
there are a lot of reasons for me to not be by now. mostly due to being a big introvert thrown into a bay with six other patients where the only respite and privacy is the toilet, even that is a new thing for this week. the episodes of bullying by other patients that led to me being moved after completely breaking down and having a panic attack would give me cause to lose sanity too. as does the entire loss of dignity and independence. it was commented on today that my trip to the toilet was rather undignified. my reply was simply “you get used to it”. however I think it probably takes a toll somewhere.
I could sit and write about the struggle of the finally managing to have a pooh here after eleven days, the humiliation of sitting and sobbing on a commode at 5.20am because youre in so much pain because youve been getting cramps for two hours and nothing has moved despite laxitives, fingers and all sorts.
Or I could choose to witw about the utter despair at being rendered practically motionless for a week by an infection two days after suceeding enough in the physio to get out of bed. where a micromovement made me stifle screams, or worse still, having to scream where movement was unavoidable.

it’s probably little wonder then, that at one point- I can actually tell you when- at 1.40pm on the 22nd july, I gave up for a while. I just lay down and gave in, knowing I could do no more. I was spent, broken, and done. id been fobbed off by a solicitors firm that morning who didnt listen to what I had to say, the infection was making movement unbearable, id found out my pay was dropping, and i’d had to be bundled onto an x-ray trolley in spite of.the issues with movement which caused me enough pain to scream and scream. when I got back and was bundled back (I should add at both points the nurses tried their hardest to make it as quick as possible and dosed me up before hand to minimise my discomfort) and the screaming had stopped and the pain settled to being barely managable I lay down, closed my wyes and honestly didnt care whether or not they ever opened again. I knew that my virtually catatonic state waa worrying people, but there was nothing I could do…i needed sleep firstly, which I was coaxed into with no real option to refuse on my part, as my off switch was activated.

the reason im writing about this, instead of everything else, is that I dont think I actually came back from that wholly intact. im numbed. not just physically either. a lack of feeling. I should have been overjoyed when the infection finally abated enough for me to get out of bed- and I was pleased, until it was overshadowed by the final instance of bullying where the line was drawn.
I put on a smile and behave as I should when visitors come. I am grateful they have taken the time and made the effort, so its only right I do the same, even if all I want to do is lay back and be swallowed whole by the earth. I cant bring myself to be interested in anything. even going outside on thursday for the first time after being admitted during an.unexpected visit by the better half and two close friends only raised my spirits for a coupke of minutes. by the end I was almost glad to be taken back as I was finding it more and.more of.a struggle to keep up the brave face. I tried explaining this today and how I feel to the better half who either refused to acknowledge what I am [not] feeling and my concerns or simply didnt understand. possibly both. butbif ibcant share my fears and concerns to those im closest to, as being told “youre just having a hard time dealing with everything” does nothing to help or even make me feel acknowledged then that just leaves me even more removed and alone.

I dont know what is going on and I dont know what the answers are. im not so sure there are any. I just feel completely undeserving and like a giant fraud because people are rallying round preparing for me to get out hopefully next week, and are looking forwards to being able to.see me stuff and all I can think about is how much im going to let everyone down when I find I can no longer keep going with the pretense of things being ok and me managing. or when I decide I can’t do people for a while because ive had no privacy for a month. I cant even really explain whats happening on here and.ive been writing for over an hour now… so yeah. ive tried, and im sorry.