its 4.15 in the morning. I see this time most nights now if im honest. life in the hospital is anything but peaceful. ive been here since july 7th. its a long.time- 4 weeks tomorrow in fact, now that were into saturday.
I am still sane. kind of, at least.
there are a lot of reasons for me to not be by now. mostly due to being a big introvert thrown into a bay with six other patients where the only respite and privacy is the toilet, even that is a new thing for this week. the episodes of bullying by other patients that led to me being moved after completely breaking down and having a panic attack would give me cause to lose sanity too. as does the entire loss of dignity and independence. it was commented on today that my trip to the toilet was rather undignified. my reply was simply “you get used to it”. however I think it probably takes a toll somewhere.
I could sit and write about the struggle of the finally managing to have a pooh here after eleven days, the humiliation of sitting and sobbing on a commode at 5.20am because youre in so much pain because youve been getting cramps for two hours and nothing has moved despite laxitives, fingers and all sorts.
Or I could choose to witw about the utter despair at being rendered practically motionless for a week by an infection two days after suceeding enough in the physio to get out of bed. where a micromovement made me stifle screams, or worse still, having to scream where movement was unavoidable.
it’s probably little wonder then, that at one point- I can actually tell you when- at 1.40pm on the 22nd july, I gave up for a while. I just lay down and gave in, knowing I could do no more. I was spent, broken, and done. id been fobbed off by a solicitors firm that morning who didnt listen to what I had to say, the infection was making movement unbearable, id found out my pay was dropping, and i’d had to be bundled onto an x-ray trolley in spite of.the issues with movement which caused me enough pain to scream and scream. when I got back and was bundled back (I should add at both points the nurses tried their hardest to make it as quick as possible and dosed me up before hand to minimise my discomfort) and the screaming had stopped and the pain settled to being barely managable I lay down, closed my wyes and honestly didnt care whether or not they ever opened again. I knew that my virtually catatonic state waa worrying people, but there was nothing I could do…i needed sleep firstly, which I was coaxed into with no real option to refuse on my part, as my off switch was activated.
the reason im writing about this, instead of everything else, is that I dont think I actually came back from that wholly intact. im numbed. not just physically either. a lack of feeling. I should have been overjoyed when the infection finally abated enough for me to get out of bed- and I was pleased, until it was overshadowed by the final instance of bullying where the line was drawn.
I put on a smile and behave as I should when visitors come. I am grateful they have taken the time and made the effort, so its only right I do the same, even if all I want to do is lay back and be swallowed whole by the earth. I cant bring myself to be interested in anything. even going outside on thursday for the first time after being admitted during an.unexpected visit by the better half and two close friends only raised my spirits for a coupke of minutes. by the end I was almost glad to be taken back as I was finding it more and.more of.a struggle to keep up the brave face. I tried explaining this today and how I feel to the better half who either refused to acknowledge what I am [not] feeling and my concerns or simply didnt understand. possibly both. butbif ibcant share my fears and concerns to those im closest to, as being told “youre just having a hard time dealing with everything” does nothing to help or even make me feel acknowledged then that just leaves me even more removed and alone.
I dont know what is going on and I dont know what the answers are. im not so sure there are any. I just feel completely undeserving and like a giant fraud because people are rallying round preparing for me to get out hopefully next week, and are looking forwards to being able to.see me stuff and all I can think about is how much im going to let everyone down when I find I can no longer keep going with the pretense of things being ok and me managing. or when I decide I can’t do people for a while because ive had no privacy for a month. I cant even really explain whats happening on here and.ive been writing for over an hour now… so yeah. ive tried, and im sorry.