Twentyfifteen and beyond…

I’m going into this post a bit annoyed, which is generally never a good thing… but annoyed for a valid reason. The last post I’d written got lost in the ether somewhere, and reappeared only when I went to begin this one. I came out and went back into the app, and browser on multiple occasions and it wasn’t there…grrrr,

Anyway. It’s the end of the calendar year, and time to look to the next one. I’ve been putting this off for a while now, because of everything that happened this year, which whilst it’s not all been bad, has been pretty bloody major in it’s happenings.

One of the biggest struggles I’ve had has been whether or not to set myself some reasonably attainable goals, or just to set goals as I would normally. I never expect to get all of my goals accomplished within a year, but I am kinda goal oriented as a coping mechanism at the best of times, and this is not that time, so if I set myself goals as normal, am I just setting myself up for failure to begin with, or if, conversely I set myself realistically attainable goals, am I going to end up feeling like I have underachieved to my capabilities? It’s a fine line.

When I was 22 and under the hospital for the random unknown thing that was making me pretty ill, and I got the letter saying that dependent on the outcome of their suspicions I’d be dead by 27, I made a bucket list, and promptly completed it within the space of 18 months. I often wondered at that point whether I’d aimed too low, but actually I did some pretty crazy things on that list… but the things that were wrong didn’t affect so much….

My reasonably attainable goals are all for the most part kinda boring- being able to swim a kilometer again for one would be on there. But that’s something I want to be able to do anyway, especially as it’s unlikely I’m going to be able to run again.. (not that I did that much running before, but I actually enjoyed a treadmill- it hurt less) Other goals that were on last years list that didn’t get achieved would also come back – losing weight, which I was starting to do OK with and then July happened… that one is going to be even harder now, because I can’t do as much as I could before. I could stick a nanowrimo in there too – but my heart wouldn’t be in it. I could do 50k words pretty happily in a month given the time and a meaty enough subject matter – hell I’ve been writing for 15 mins and I’m up to 500 words now- and could even put in being able to get by independantly again, but again it’s something I’d want to be able to do *anyway*.

As for the other ones- ‘normal’ goals (for me)… I’m really lacking inspiration. I’ve got some things I’d like to do, but they won’t be next year, without a lottery win, at least, as they involve money. ¬†I’d like to make it to Northern Scandinavia to see the Northern Lights (preferably at the top end of the KP3 bracket). and I’d like to take a qualification in an holistic therapy with a view to being able to practice it professionally. Aside from these though.. there’s nothing springing to mind…

So feel free to suggest some…

It’s been a while…

I’ve started writing this post more than once… and stopped, deleted it, gone back, started again…. and so on… ¬†because mostly, I’m afraid to say what I want to say. That if I say these things, it gives them truth, and if I say them that I’ll alienate people, seem self absorbed or too self-interested… or other stuff. But it plays on my mind more and more. Especially as the winter hit, and my SAD kicked in and up multiple gears.

It’s nearly six months now since the accident. Since I tripped over and everything changed, and there’s plenty of things I should be and am thankful for. I still have two legs. That’s a pretty big thing right there. That the graft seems to have taken without issue another big thing. That I’m able to use crutches instead of a wheelchair. Another big thing. And don’t get me wrong, they are definite markers of forwards movement. But it’s the small things that are causing me ambivalence at best, and grief at worst.

Today, for example: I managed to have a shower without needing help or a seat. It was a walk in shower, and after thinking about it, taking precautions by having a towel outside it and also on the floor of it so there was no danger or me slipping, I managed to get in there and get my hair washed and have a quick scrub round everywhere else. I couldn’t stand up for too long, so I had to be quick, and I had a lot of trouble on my left hand side as I got lower down my body, as starting to twist was making my knee come out. But it was more than I had managed previously, and whilst I should be happy at that, I’m wondering whether I’ll ever be able to have a shower without having to think about it.

It’s a small victory, for which I should be grateful, but it’s tinged with the pain that something so simple, is now so hard.

I manage to walk all way up or down fargate without stopping: it’s a small victory. Something I couldn’t do a month ago. 6 months ago I could go ten times that distance with utmost ease, and I have to wonder whether I’ll ever be able to do that again? I get back home and I’m knackered. Before that I’d come home knackered after 25+ miles through the peaks.

Truth is, I don’t have very much confidence in walking now, and I’m actually glad the hospital have said that I’m not to go out in ice or snow, because I’m terrified that I’ll slip or end up bracing wrongly and undo everything I’ve worked for. But then I look out of the window and I can *see* the car less than 30m away, and feel ashamed that that is such an obstacle for me now.

I look at my legs and see the scars. They bother me a lot more than I’d like, and way more than I let on. The fact that I may have to always use a stick bothers me less than seeing those. But I can’t avoid them. It’s like they’re there to taunt me.

I’m not looking for sympathy by writing any of this down. Just trying to get it out of my head. which is going to be hard enough when I’m being constantly reminded about it every time I look down, stand up, take a step…

I’ve tried flipping it round on it’s head and trying to look at it that if this has happened, then maybe it’s allowing me to make way for something new, or another way of doing things. It’s certainly given me time to think about the moot, and how to take that forwards… but I don’t see anything else springing up either…

I and everyone else can clearly see the physical scarring – and there’s a fair bit of that! But there are other wounds with this too, and these are the ones I’m now struggling with, and have no clue how to start to let them heal. I can’t just leave them be like the bouts of pain from the damaged nerves in my leg when they hit and it feels like a thunderstorm going off over my shin…I can’t just grimace and wait it out, because I know it will pass in a few minutes because these aren’t going anywhere. I don’t want to be defined by my injuries, but I’m also out of ideas.

The most wonderful time of the Year?

It’s been a fair while since I posted anything, because to be honest, I’ve had little to say, and I didn’t want to just end up charting the progress that has happened with my leg…

It’s December.

I don’t like this time of year, for a lot of reasons, and this year is no exception. In fact, this year, I’m trying to wish it away, which is rare, even for me. It’s not just because I want this year to be over and done so I can concentrate on better things, although that’s certainly something I’d like to do. Moreso, it’s an unintended consequence of my leg.

I tend to suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder – more commonly known as SAD, which means that I get depressed in winter. As someone who’s prone to low mood anyway, knowing this, I tend to prepare and be aware and have plenty of coping strategies. This year though, these have all gone through the window. I’ll normally make sure that I spend a fair bit of time outdoors and in the light from October onwards because this not only helps to lessen the effects, but helps my body stay in tune with the seasons. This year though, I’ve not been able to do that, or to spend a chunk of time outside everyday now that winter is here. I can’t stand still for long, and it’s been too cold to sit outside, nor have I really been able to get anywhere to sit. Add to that I spent the whole of the summer indoors – July in a hospital bed through into August, and then just indoors, and it’s all combined into one doozy of a hit.

So, in sum, I’m pretty shit company to be around at the moment. I’m the first person to admit, that when I’m struggling with this, I’ll go and hide, because there’s no reason to inflict myself on anyone else when I feel like this. Again, this year, I’ve not had that option, and I feel terrible about that. Which in turn makes me feel worse, and so the catch 22 continues…. Round and round and round…

There’s not even that much that can be done about it – the things I’d usually do to cope with it aren’t open to me this time, and so I hide as much as possible. Which brings it’s own foibles, and stresses and struggles. Either way, I cannot win.

I don’t really have any answers… or suggestions…. just wanted to update something… and try and explain why I am the Christmas Grinch amongst other things.