the dangers of extroverted processing.

I am an introvert by nature. (INFJ if you want to know my Myers Briggs type) However, what’s even rare than that is the fact that I’m an introvert with an extroverted processing mechanism – that is to say, that I work through things externally – whether it’s coming to a conclusion about one of the Big Things, or just something as simple as what to have for tea, sometimes. Whether or not it’s a learned coping strategy (because I tend to not be great at self talk) or it’s just my nature to be that is actually irrelevant. It’s a hard thing, because I don’t like talking to people. I don’t like feeling like I’m disturbing people or being a burden in anyway (which IS relevant because my thoughts and feelings are no more (and no less) important than anyone else’s.) so to get around that, quite often I’ll write things down. That way I can give it the consideration it needs, in the way I need to give it without having to worry.

Of course the thing that’s really under scrutiny here is the fact that a lot of the time, I’ll write on here. The reason I do is that if anyone else has an opinion, they are welcome to chip in, but I don’t expect it. But that in itself is fraught with danger. People tend to assume I’m writing about them, or that it’s a situation somehow involving them, or that I should talk to them about things. 99% of the time it’s none of those. A situation involving a single person or set of people I WILL GO AND TALK TO ABOUT IT, I don’t know how many times I have to keep saying and doing that.

I’m aware that this is sounding suspiciously like an angry rant, and it is, in a way. I slept really badly, due to my last post being brought up in a conversation while I was getting off to sleep. Consequently I didn’t sleep well, and every time I woke up I had the last comment made running round my head, which doesn’t help anything. I’m not in a good mood today because I need to have a pointless conversation now which will only piss me off more and because I slept badly I got up late and now can’t do half the stuff I wanted to today…

So I guess what I’m trying to say in sum is that I won’t be writing on here any more. Not as a sounding board to my own head anyway. I’ll find somewhere else (I’ve got other places I used to write) or just go back to pen and paper. It’s getting to the point where it’s more trouble than it’s worth- whether it’s doing ME any good be damned.

mixed signals

I think it’s time to accept that this isn’t working. Not any more.

Too many assumptions getting in the way of everything. Of which the consequence is mixed signals being given.  And then of course it becomes a point of contention when it’s mentioned. I’m not saying that I’m any better-  as much as I try not to assume, I end up doing my fair share. Mine tend to be predictable though – I’ll always assume the worst.

There is one assumption I know I’m falling back into; which is the assumption that I’m just a third wheel; a spare part; the one who’s tolerated because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but you don’t really want around. But you know what? I’m actually OK with that. I’d rather be told though than to try and fight to believe that isn’t true (thanks to people telling me that repeatedly) but when the chance comes to be social or whatever, I’m mysteriously forgotten about…. nothing new really. Just… same old..

So with that in mind, maybe it’s time that I stepped back a bit and see what’s what – for myself. If I step back would anyone notice? Or even try and intervene? It’d be nice to believe that, but the reality is what it is.

I’m not bitter, or angry… just a bit foolish really.

4.27am 2nd Jan.

So it’s ridiculously early, but I went to sleep early after being kept up until gone 5am yesterday, and apparently I’ve slept my fill for now.

Spent the last week stuck at a friends house thanks to a sudden onset of inclement weather, which had it’s own challenges- like expecting to be there for only 2 nights, so not enough clothes, or anything really, as well as it being the first time that I’d stayed elsewhere since getting out of hospital, so going from nothing to a week is definitely straight in at the deep end! I survived though, as always and made a few realisations along the way, mostly along the lines of my ability to tolerate social situations being rather diminished now. I don’t mean special occasions but everyday. The house I was at had no less than 5 people in it at any one time, and because I couldn’t go out, it meant virtually no actual alone time. That was really hard for me.

Then, there was acknowledging the things that are causing me trouble at the moment – mostly in short the non physical fallout of last years happenings. I broached this topic last night with my closest friend, and wondering whether I may in fact regret it. I don’t have many regrets, in spite of everything that’s happened to me in life, so the fact I’m wondering whether this will be something does worry me a little. I’m not sure I managed to explain myself – there just aren’t the words to describe anything, and what I did manage to get into words sounded incredibly weak.

I finally made it back today though, and it feels like something has shifted. Is it paranoia when something has actually happened? I don’t really know how else to explain it… whilst I was away it began to feel like people were glad to be rid of me for a bit… I’d say hi because in truth, I was missing being at the place I call home and the people, and I’d get a rushed response or polite pushback which once or twice would have been fine, but every time? So yeah. My head then went into pragmatic mode, and started making arrangements to extricate myself because I don’t want to stay somewhere I’m not welcome. That hasn’t been fixed yet, and coming back did nothing to dissipate what I tried to tell myself was just paranoia.

So I guess I’ll just tread carefully and hope that I’m wrong…