4.27am 2nd Jan.

So it’s ridiculously early, but I went to sleep early after being kept up until gone 5am yesterday, and apparently I’ve slept my fill for now.

Spent the last week stuck at a friends house thanks to a sudden onset of inclement weather, which had it’s own challenges- like expecting to be there for only 2 nights, so not enough clothes, or anything really, as well as it being the first time that I’d stayed elsewhere since getting out of hospital, so going from nothing to a week is definitely straight in at the deep end! I survived though, as always and made a few realisations along the way, mostly along the lines of my ability to tolerate social situations being rather diminished now. I don’t mean special occasions but everyday. The house I was at had no less than 5 people in it at any one time, and because I couldn’t go out, it meant virtually no actual alone time. That was really hard for me.

Then, there was acknowledging the things that are causing me trouble at the moment – mostly in short the non physical fallout of last years happenings. I broached this topic last night with my closest friend, and wondering whether I may in fact regret it. I don’t have many regrets, in spite of everything that’s happened to me in life, so the fact I’m wondering whether this will be something does worry me a little. I’m not sure I managed to explain myself – there just aren’t the words to describe anything, and what I did manage to get into words sounded incredibly weak.

I finally made it back today though, and it feels like something has shifted. Is it paranoia when something has actually happened? I don’t really know how else to explain it… whilst I was away it began to feel like people were glad to be rid of me for a bit… I’d say hi because in truth, I was missing being at the place I call home and the people, and I’d get a rushed response or polite pushback which once or twice would have been fine, but every time? So yeah. My head then went into pragmatic mode, and started making arrangements to extricate myself because I don’t want to stay somewhere I’m not welcome. That hasn’t been fixed yet, and coming back did nothing to dissipate what I tried to tell myself was just paranoia.

So I guess I’ll just tread carefully and hope that I’m wrong…

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