4am thoughts

So I’m going the another low patch at the moment, and it’s messing with my sleep pattern. Since midwinter my body has been trying to split my sleep into two with a gap between, which would actually be OK if I didn’t have a 9-5 job… as waking up at 2am for three to four hours doesn’t leave much room for a second bout!

This week and a half has been hard though. I have had to be the port in a storm for a friend on rough seas when I’ve been fighting the urge to just let myself drift away… as a result I’ve struggled a lot and this week have become progressively more sad, culminating in Friday where I just wanted to run, and cry, all through the day. I made it through work, got home, had something to eat and went to bed. At 7pm. I slept, albeit broken ly, for fourteen hours. Not for being tired, but in an effort to escape.

Today I took it easy, and practiced some self care, with a view to being up to some more decluttering tomorrow. I’m CHOOSING to not berate myself for wasting a day, or feeling crappy, instead, I’ll take tomorrow in my stride.

I’ve also been feeling isolated, which doesn’t help… I miss Jo, I’m not gonna lie. I miss nattering and drinking tea…the times it was ‘just us’…

My closest friends are, somewhat ¬†ironically, geographically furthest away, which has been hard this week. I could have really used a hug at several points, but, I’ve been able to at least spend some time talking online, which has helped some.

It’s starting to get lighter now, at least, so hopefully the sadness will begin to lift with the days lengthening. Until then, it’s just a case of keeping going…

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perspective

This year has been a doozy and a half.

I haven’t written so much as I’ve been at a loss as to what to say.

I could talk about the friendship I lost. Someone I considered as my closest friend, even though I struggled immensely (and continue to) with issues related to my self worth which mean I hand on heart cannot say of anyone that their feelings (of any sort) towards me are unconditional. The irony here being that that meant the friendship I had was conditional on my acceptance of that. I’m the first to admit I screwed up with things, but an explanation to someone who has no interest in listening is wasted breath. Nevertheless, whilst I may never be forgiven for my transgressions I want nothing but good for them.

I could talk about the fact that the consequence of this was my walking away from a lot of mutual friends as well. It may mean that I’ve given the impression of being guilty of something, but the truth is I simply dont have the fight left. Instead I chose to not drive myself crazy with m head over analysing and over thinking every little thing.

I could also talk about the breakdown I had in July, which led to a month off work because I couldn’t function coherently.

I could also talk about the fact I’ve had two near misses of suicide attempts the latest one being november. But at this point I’ll just acknowledge my mental health has been absolutely shit this year.

I could instead then talk about my leg, and how my recovery has progressed to a point at which point it’s unlikely to improve much more.

Or I could focus on my trip to Denmark, the things I saw, and experienced and enjoyed.

I Could talk about th fact that work has gone pretty well this year, and I have a few friendships forming over mutual geekiness.

I could talk about lots of things… but instead, I’m choosing to talk about the words I’m adopting for myself for the coming year.

“Be kind to yourself in the year ahead.

Remember to forgive yourself, and to forgive others. It’s too easy to be outraged these days, so much harder to change things, to reach out, to understand.

Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.

Meet new people and talk to them. Make new things and show them to people who might enjoy them.

Hug too much. Smile too much. And, when you can, love.”
– Neil Gaiman