time to fade away… it’s better than burning out.

On a good day I sometimes see myself as a fixer. I turn up, facilitate what is needed, whether it’s networking, encouragement, revealing a truth, or something practical…storm in a teacup if you like, and once the ripples settle, and things are moving the way they should, it’s time for me to move on. Little bit like Nanny MacPhee I guess… (!)

Today is not a good day.

Today I see myself as the hindrance to progress. I notice that I remove myself from the picture and things go better. Days like today it’s very hard to fight the idea that maybe I would be better off removed. That maybe I’m holding people back from their progress by being around.

Mostly though I’m angry. At myself more than anything. For listening, and for not listening. For pushing myself that bit too far, when I should have listened to the voice telling me to turn tail and flee. I’m angry at everything the last day or so though, and I DON’T like that. Last night I was hesitant about venturing into town because of St Patrick’s day, and the potential crowds and rowdiness.
I’d spoken to a friend about it, who’d said I should try to see my friends and not worry too much about what might not even happen. So I sucked it up and decided to go. I didn’t even have to get into town before encountering what I didn’t want to meet. They got on the bus. But, I decided I would push through and be able to calm down and would be OK. What I should have done, was got off the bus and turned around and gone home. Instead, I managed to calm down a bit, got the admin I needed to do out of the way, and realised that I wasn’t feeling brave enough to really talk to anyone. I ignored another point where I could have chosen to go home. Instead, telling myself it’ll be OK… and then some rather loud people got to playing some game, which set me right on edge again…and it was all downhill from that point. I came across as awkward, and I don’t know what… because I ended up feeling a bit interrogated when I asked a question, which made me want to RUN. I sat on it, but I was glad to be able to escape, and that isn’t right. I went home and went to bed. Not even an episode of QI helped, so I went to bed.

I woke up again covered in bruises. Second day in a row, although not the same place this time. Yesterday I’d blatantly been held down by the chest, as I can make out the handprints (there’s no way I could have done it to myself without removing my arms and switching them round… ) this morning, it’s my arms and shoulders that are suffering. Thank goodness for long-sleeved tops is all I’ll say about coming to work today. I don’t know what has happened while I’ve been sleeping – I remember struggling against being pinned and the bed being a mess upon waking up, so obviously been tossing/turning/writhing, but who or what I’ve been rallying against, I don’t have a clue. I’m not sure I want to either to be honest, although I also don’t want it to continue either. Ironic really, that normally I’m wanting to not remember what I dream about, that the one time it might be a good idea to have a clue is the one time I don’t. I’ll admit to being a bit uneasy about it, maybe even a little scared.

It’s certainly not the first time that what has happened in my dreams has spread into the real world, and it’s not even the worst occurances. The worst was being sliced in the ribs by a sword in my dream, and waking up to find my side opened up – 6″ long and a good half inch deep. No blood or anything, and nothing I could have done it on. And witnessed. I’ve woken up covered in scratches across my face and arms from being raked by claws, when I have no nails able to do that. And I’ve had bruises before I have a photo of the giant one in the middle of my back which a friend had found after I’d complained of back pain. A couple of weeks ago, I had a scar appear on my right arm overnight, including the ridge. The ridge has gone, but the scar is still there, and if I’d had the corresponding injury to it, I would have known. Why it happens, and why it comes through to waking life, I don’t know. Wish I did! I’d like to understand it… but this feels different. I can’t explain why or how, maybe it’s because there is a definite handprint, or maybe it was the feeling of being pinned down and the panic associated with that, I don’t know…. but there is a point where it starts to sound a little crazy, even to me. And I think this is getting to that point. I don’t have a clue where to begin as to understanding it, let alone being able to do something about it… any any suggestions would be welcomed, cause I’ll consider anything as an option, even that I’m just losing my sanity. I’m sure plenty think that… and maybe they are right. I don’t know… but this is a bit odd, even for me…. are alarm bells ringing for anyone else??

I wither, and render myself helpless….

Well, last night, I’m pleased to report that I did actually sleep. It took me a while to nod off, having been quite anxious, but once I did, I managed, partly I think through sheer exhaustion…but I’m not going to object to that at all, and don’t remember what, if anything I was dreaming about, but I’m going to guess something, as when I did wake up at 7-ish I had tears streaming down my face and feeling extremely sad, but at the same time quite disassociated from it… It’s a really peculiar feeling to try and describe, and I know I won’t really come anywhere close to it – I think you’ll either get it, or you won’t…

Anyways, made sure I had my headphones, and whacked the music on on the way into work. Anyone who checks the music I have on anything will probably be pleasantly surprised and horrified in equal proportion at the selection sat on there. On my phone, it’s just whatever random stuff happened to be laying about.. at the moment, Bowie, Dire Straits, The Rasmus, a playlist I was learning for a wedding, Megadeth and Ramnstein…

So getting lyrics to a Dream Theater song stuck immovably in my head usually means my brain is trying to tell me something… so yeah… for once it’s not obscure and half hidden… at least I don’t think so… Those who know me know I’m not a massive fan of Dream Theater as it gets very pretentious and complicated, but occasionally they do come out with a gem or two, especially lyrically… and they actually did this version themselves – stripping it back to just voice and piano – which invariably is the version I have going round my head…

Wither – by Dream Theater

Let it out, let it out, fill the empty space
So insecure find the words and let it out
Staring down, staring down, nothing comes to mind
Find the place turn the water into wine

But I feel I’m getting nowhere
And I’ll never see the end

So I wither and render myself helpless
I give in and everything is clear
I breakdown and let the story guide me

Turn it on, turn it on, let the feelings flow
Close your eyes, see the ones you used to know
Open up, open up, don’t struggle to relate
Lure it out, help the memory escape

Still this barrenness consumes me
And I feel like giving up

So I wither and render myself helpless
I give in and everything is clear
I breakdown and let the story guide me
I wither and give myself away

Like reflections on the page
The world’s what you create

I drown in hesitation, my words come crashing down
And all my best creations burn into the ground
The thought of starting over leaves me paralyzed
Tear it out again, another one that got away

I wither and render myself helpless
I give in and everything is clear

I wither and render myself helpless
I give in and everything is clear
I breakdown and let the story guide me
I wither and give myself away

Like reflections on the page
The world’s what you create
The world’s what you create

Let it out, let it out
There are a few things I could draw from this… but as a whole I guess it’s pretty apt advice to give myself right now… except we all know the thing about advice… much easier to give than to take.  Especially when it’s yourself doing the giving!! If only I could just stop and actually allow this… but I just simply don’t know how to, however much I want to. Even if it means what i think it may mean.

Also… I am one of *the* most stubborn people I know, and I have a long history of fighting. Myself, the world, anything, and I do worry that this will be no different. Even if I know (which I do) that fighting will be of no help whatsoever, and could even make it worse, it’s so deeply ingrained that I need to fight against things that I can’t even stop myself. (I don’t use the word ‘can’t’ lightly or often, either. ) Then, there’s getting way ahead of myself as well, and wondering if by some miracle I manage to stop, surrender myself to the process and let it happen, what, if anything will be left? Then what happens? I don’t understand how people see me as confident and self-assured when I am so far from it that it’s almost laughable. But then I see the bits no-one else can. The insecurity and the fear that people will see what everyone else in their turn saw and decided. In my head it’s mostly a matter or time. Breaking that thought pattern is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done up to now. I just hope that it doesn’t break me permanently in the process as well…

 

Am I in fact, that which I dislike intensely? (or, The Masks we Wear)

This is something I got to thinking about last night whilst I was having some extra awake time.

And by extra awake time, I mean inability to sleep due to nightmares again. I’ve never had particularly good sleep. Rampant insomnia when I was younger, which I still get bouts of now at least twice a year, and nightmares. Some recurring and some not. The recurrent ones I kinda understand, at least in part, as they are either based on real events that have happened, or are related to them.  Something to look at another time though… Then there are the ones which aren’t recurrent- like Sunday night, when I was essentially taken through being burnt at the stake.  I should probably point out, that my brain doesn’t have an off switch when I’m dreaming. I get every sensation in glorious full fledged all senses right through to their natural conclusion, so it’s no wonder that I wake up screaming on bad nights. I don’t always remember the dreams in full detail thankfully, but there’ll be something that lingers if I don’t. The one on Sunday, I did remember, and word to the wise, don’t get burnt at the stake!

Last night, I’d gotten to bed early, after cancelling the plans I’d got to stay at a friends house due to just not feeling up to it. I didn’t really want to be on my own, but I also didn’t want to have to try and explain why I was feeling so ‘bleh’. Same as the fact I’ve called on this weekends trip to Derby as well. When I’m feeling like this I don’t like feeling like I’m imposing on people – so I tend to stay out of the way. There are exceptions, but few and far between.

I woke up at 2.30, post nightmare. And then had a good three hours to deliberate and cogitate on ‘stuff’. A lot has happened the last few days – I’ve revealed a few things to close friends – mostly because they saw through the mask I wear. So I wanted to try and explain things. I don’t think I did particularly well at it, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Again. Something for another time….

So yeah… the thought that I may well in fact be a hypocrite is not a good one. It’s something I dislike intensely in a person. But is there a point where it’s okay, or sometimes even necessary? For me, I wear a mask. I wear armour as well, and it’s bloody strong stuff. Not because I want to, but because it’s necessary. Not just for me, but for those around me. At least I think so, as if I didn’t have those I would probably not venture out of the house, let alone try and integrate into society at all.  So does that make it ok?  I don’t actually know… sometimes masks are necessary I think. Not always as a means to hide things, but to save others. I don’t wear mine to hide people, but to spare people, although it does save the dual purpose of allowing me to exist a little more socially…. I think I might be rambling on now and not making much sense…

Needless to say, this week, I’m not having the best of times… but I’m not sure what would make it better either.

Any comments, or thoughts or answers to the questions welcomed… It’s really hard to be an extroverted processor when you’re an introvert and tend to choke on words when you’re feeling vulnerable… meaning it gets written, and hopefully debated that way..

 

New Years – a reflection.

New Years Day – a time when most people set their resolutions for the year, and, more often than not, work really hard to achieve them and give up within three weeks of the start.

Not so for me.  I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, per se. Those I do make are never in January, and are always usually around the time of my birthday instead. However, this year, I’ve got a list of things I want to have achieved by the end of the year, so figured that today would be as good a day as any other to sort the list out.

New Years is always quite an introspective time for me anyway. I don’t do so well with Christmas generally, for several reasons, and New Years is usually the marker for the end of those two weeks. One reason being the lack of sunlight. I do tend to feel worse when I don’t get outdoors as much, and deep winter usually means I go out before light, and don’t leave work til it’s dark again. Another being that Christmas generally holds a fair few bad memories, which I try and avoid and ignore by just not thinking about it much, and not being very sociable. It’s no big secret that Christmas was always a time I generally spent on my own with good reason! Every few years, I try and break that, and be sociable, only to find that it doesn’t work.

So I usually end up spending that time thinking about the year gone, what went well, what didn’t and whether I made the best out of the situations I faced (invariably the answer is a mixed bag of yes and no) what I’ve learned and what I aim to change for the future.

2012 was indeed a mixed bag. Started the year off in hospital for 2 weeks on morphine for severe pain which they failed to identify any cause of, leading to 5 months off work, me being quite depressed at times and wondering what the hell was going on. However I came through that, and went back to work in May, aided by a LOT of pain medication, which over the next five months, I weaned myself off. Still have bad days, but I’m no longer pumped full of opiates, which is definitely a good thing!

Being off for so long meant I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things though, and was able to start questioning things, and looking to what I planned to do, and change my perspective on some things too.

I took up hobbies I’d previously let fall by the wayside – photography being one of them, which led to some interesting projects being undertaken. I also started back a little more seriously on the music side of things, and tried drawn art again.

Balanced with the not so good, was some awesome stuff too. I lost a couple of people along the way – which hurt more than I care to let on, but I also gained some awesome new friends, had closure on a couple of situations, and opened my eyes to the possibility of stuff by choosing to just go with things and take more of a chance.

This led to an awesome holiday in Septembertime. Plans were loosely made, and then changed, and didn’t work out as they had been changed to, and IT DIDN’T MATTER. We went to Whitby, got lost on the roads around York and didn’t get there til dark, and it didn’t matter. Illness struck, and we accommodated, improvised, and ended up having an awesome walk along the coastline, went to the cave bar, found some amazing rock formations and talked.

Somewhere in the second half of the year as well, I appear to have changed my attitude to myself. I’m pretty sure in part this is down to the fact I changed the people I surrounded myself with, but it’s something that’s been a long time coming, and thanks to prods in the right direction, I’m going into the new year with a new job, moving back to Sheffield, almost fully divorced, and able to close that chapter of my life, and for the first time in a very long time feeling excited about what life may bring.

So, 2013. What do I want to have done and when by?

January – Move house. This one is a no brainer for deadlines. Handed my notice in at work, and have until the end of the month to finish the move. It’s going to be busy as all heck, and any help offered will be accepted with no arguments (yep… unlike me, I know.)

– Roleplay – I decided in December to take a break from all games, and this is still in effect, with the exception of some one on one Cthulhu, which I’m hoping can begin in January if this fits with the GM’s plans too.

February – New Job begins. The start of three months of training. February will also be about finding a routine again. Not overloading myself, but not sitting back either.

March     – Get back to counselling.  Part of the decision to move, and not immediately find somewhere on my own was so that I would be able to afford to go back to counselling. Something else that came up in the latter part of last year was just how much I still seem to be ruled by things that have happened, and whilst I’ve come a long way, I still have some way to go.

April        – come up with ways to get extra money to pay off my debts. Simple enough there

May          – if not already, start looking at houses/flats. Training for the job will also be over now, so I’d be able to take a week off to move/decorate, and will hopefully have money saved to furnish/buy what’s needed.

I’m not looking much further than that at the moment, because setting a rigid timetable defeats the point.

However, I would also like to achieve the following this year – at least £1000 in savings, go visit my friends both in UK and abroad. Not waste any more time. I’ve wasted too much time in the past. Now is the time to live. And this is the year it begins, and I believe in it.

Black, White, and Shades of Grey.

So, it’s been a while since I posted much… I’m not going to apologise for that – I’ve had other things to do… including mad trips to Sheffield to surprise someone for a birthday, visiting Alton Towers to see the fireworks, and then my own birthday too. And of course, work.

Also started on my 101 things in 1001 days project, which can be found –>https://stormvixen.wordpress.com/stormvixens-101-things-in-1001-days-the-list/

So been prepping and thinking about that…

 

The last couple of weeks have been less than easy though, thinking about stuff in general. My birthday is never an easy time to be fair… I get a bit introspective, and think about what I’ve done over the past year, look forwards to the next, thinking about what I’d like to say I’ve done the next year, and stuff comes back to haunt me – throwing up a bunch of insecurities, and this year has been no different, aside from the fact that I realised I’m more of an optimist than I let on.

Every few years, I decide to try and do something sociable, instead of hide away for my birthday, in the hope that ‘this time, it’ll be different’ and this year, I did that. I arranged to have an open house at my friend’s and went to Sheffield. Asked people to confirm they were coming so I could sort food….and it was a flop. I’d have been upset and annoyed if something much bigger hadn’t dwarfed it, and I am thankful to those who did attend and also put up with me on the Saturday – 4 people, plus 2 who weren’t there, due to distance, but were there via online presence.

Anyway. Ramble over It’s really late. Like 5am late, and I’ve been ill since Monday. Off work in bed ill. So brain is not the greatest. Don’t know if I’ll be able to get this all down before I need to sleep again, but I’ll try…

The title is not just there to cash in on a rather tame set of books.

(Hell, I’m naive as hell when it comes to relationships, but even I know more than that! – and no I haven’t read them, and don’t intend to. If you want to read something that’s actually fun I’d recommend this.  http://www.amazon.com/Black-Jewels-Trilogy-Daughter-Darkness/dp/0451529014/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1352973328&sr=1-1&keywords=anne+bishop+black+jewels+trilogy)

Instead the title is more a description of how I deal with the world sometimes. Or used to, at least.  Something I’ve been pondering about for a fair while now.

Writing this at 5am because I had one of the other recurring nightmares I have from time to time – usually have this one when I’m ill, so it was christened ‘the fever dream’, although it’s more about my insecurities than anything else I think… just happens to feature being ill, and tends to turn up when I’m ill.  My nightmares are generally related to stuff that I’ve buried trying to make itself known. I understand the whys and even some of the what’s, but it doesn’t stop me waking up feeling terrified. This particular one is pretty straightforwards; in my nightmare,in short,  I’m ill, and end up dying and rotting away, but nobody notices I’ve disappeared, until they’re told that a skellington was found at my address. People are sad for a day, but forget pretty quickly…. ultimately the insecurity that I don’t actually make any sort of impact is at fault for this one, which comes out of years of being constantly told that I’m shit and don’t deserve to be alive. So I feel like I have to earn my worth. Explain much about me?! (And yes, I know that’s not necessarily true. The issue is making it stick)

OK. It’s 10am. Had to try and get some more sleep, cause being awake was hurting. ( then Tried to get up to go to work and failed. )

There are a lot of defense mechanisms that end up in play for me at times…. all built on broken logic. Broken logic of a 5-8 year old. Which makes for quite a simplistic world view of “enough people say and believe this so it must be true”. Black and white. “This is true so to fix it the opposite needs to happen”. Black and white. No grey in there. No questioning whether that’s correct, or if there’s another explanation.. which if you know me is odd as I ask a lot of questions!
Being the optimist I am, I hope that one day I’ll be able to acknowledge the grey. I know it exists, I can deal with it in other areas, but in this it has no place because it’s incongruous. It threatens the status quo, and means the one question I daren’t even ask because I’m so afraid of the answer, comes into play..
being stubborn can be great, until you have to go against yourself. The nail was almost hit on the head last night when someone said that I was afraid of losing ‘me’ if I do find the courage to go ahead… and that’s true… I am afraid of losing the parts which are good. But I’m more scared to find that actually, the things I’ve spent so long fighting against are actually true. Or worse that there’s actually nothing there.

I’m also scared that the people I’m privileged to know and call my friends will find the same, and walk.
This journey I know is one I must take alone ultimately, but the idea of having no one about to watch my back is too much. It took me a long time to realise the value of interdependence over self sufficience…
and one of the things I fall back to when I’m finding things difficult is some thing I’ll happy tell other people when they struggle to believe in themselves; “if you don’t feel you can have faith in yourself at this moment, then believe that I believe in you.” Pretty awesome when you get your head around that one, even just a little. I know I lack the perspective to see any potential I have, so until I develop that I have little choice but to rely on others. Without that, I would give up. I speak from experience.

That’s probably a good place to stop. I probably sound mental but I don’t care…. I’m an extrovert processor and keeping this kinda stuff in my head will do a lot more harm than good. Once it’s out I can step forwards.
I don’t think my friends will ever realise just how awesome they truly are. Maybe when this is done with, I’ll be able to explain and tell them….

Sleep, submission, sanctuary…

It’s no big secret that I have problems with my sleep. Anyone who knows me will most likely know this.

Periodic Insomniac since I was twelve – going through phases of months where I’d sleep for 3 hours a night, and be fine, or then go through a phase of sleeping 10 hours a night for a few weeks…

What’s a little more interesting though, is that when I was little I only had three nightmares that I remember. One, self explanatory, as it had to do with watching It, and then a window blowing out on me; another one being that The Nothing (ala Neverending Story) was coming for me, but I could do nothing, and the third one was fever induced – I had a circus train set, and in my nightmare it turned into a giant snake which then constricted me.

Now though, I frequently have to deal with everything from run of the mill bad dreams through to waking up screaming, drenched in cold sweat night terrors.  Most of these are actually pretty explainable (the weird ass crazy dreams aren’t, but they usually incorporate stuff that’s going on at the moment, however trivial and twist it round like nothing else… ) as they relate back to things that have happened in the past.

Another fairly open secret nowadays for those who know me is the extent to which I was abused as a youngling. I take the use of that word very seriously, and it has taken me a very long time to be able to use that word in reference to myself, instead choosing to justify what had been done to me, but after spending time seeing a psychotherapist, which actually helped me more than I thought, and having her very clearly define what had happened as ‘long term systematic abuse’ has allowed me to accept that to be the case, and actually be able to move on from it somewhat. This is relevant because most of what tends to go on in the worst of my sleep issues is fallout from those experiences, and there’s little I can actually do to affect that. I’m at the point where I can accept that what happened to me was wrong, and most of the time I can say with conviction that I didn’t deserve what happened, nor was it my fault. I also know that it’s over, I live a long way from where it happened, and all sorts of other stuff, but because of the ways I (didn’t know how to) dealt with it, I end up going through it.

At it’s worst, it will start with a night or two of really odd dreams (this time round, I dreamt that I was kidnapped and abandoned in Norway in just shorts and Tee shirt – taking the fact there’s a boat currently docked http://www.shieldsgazette.com/news/local-news/ocean-giant-due-on-the-tyne-today-1-4990831 in on there – I’d gone to look at the boat, interested in how it works and then been taken to go see it in action, just not as I had thought) and then go into full blown nightmares/night terrors – i differentiate between the two as to whether I can wake up from them or not) which happened on Monday.

Invariably, because I know what’s coming, despite the fact that I know that the are just dreams, can’t hurt me, and it’s a relatively normal response etc etc I still then get extremely anxious about going to sleep, leading to me putting it off as much as possible. Tuesday, I didn’t sleep at all. (This was exacerbated by a difficult conversation too, but that just left me worrying about that in the time I was failing to sleep) Wednesday, got a little, in very broken slots but again more issues, Thursday managed to tire my brain out, so passed out and got a straight four hours, and the rest of it very broken. Yesterday, I ended up falling asleep on the bus on the way to and from work (can only put that down to the motion and exhaustion), and then ended up just passing out straight into what I call ‘dead sleep’ where I don’t dream, and my brain is just OFF. Although oddly I can still hold conversation and not be aware of it, as demonstrated by the fact I actually fell asleep yesterday whilst on Skype, and whilst I don’t remember it, am told that I answered coherently when was gently prodded, as I was sitting up with the laptop balanced on one knee with mic and cam going… :-S

Tonight will hopefully be better, as there was no issue last night, although a lot of anxiety still exists around sleeping, I can talk myself round with that, but am expecting broken sleep.

 

Ultimately, the only things that I’ve found that do actually help are that when someone else is in the house I’m a little less prone to having them in the first place – don’t have to be in my room, just present.

And having someone nearby, helps with the nerves/panic/anxiety around getting to sleep, especially when they don’t object to cuddles/curling up with. Very much a feeling safer thing there, as a guaranteed way to be able to get me to sleep if I’m having trouble is to stroke my head which is like a secondary off button to being conscious as I tend to drop out like a light very very quickly..

There is the primary off button as well, which is another spot which has a dual effect of making me melty and also disengages my ability to actually think, which is actually quite amusing. I’m pretty good at locating that spot in others but it’s very rare the favour gets returned… maybe something to put on the christmas list… xD

So yeah. I’d planned to be asleep two hours ago, however instead I’m getting all anxious about sleep.

Also feeling rather sidelined. which is knocking my general self esteem some. Not intentional I think,but just seems to be too much of a coincidence when four people independently seem to be shooing you away. Hurts a bit more when one of them is a sibling as well. Which comes into the second word of my title. Wasn’t sure whether to go with surrender or submission.

There comes a point when a line is drawn and you have to call time. Enough is enough, and you seem to be just wasting your energy by making the effort. It’s how I feel with my brother. I’m the one making all the effort here, and I’m offering to take the time, effort, money, travel to go and see him to keep in touch, and it just feels like it keeps getting thrown back in my face. Makes me wonder what it is that I’ve done, or am I just not good enough? Is now the time to stop, and submit, to say that enough is enough? It hurts more because it’s my brother, and I always thought that since we got to know one another (a long story for another time) that we got on fairly well…

I’ts leading to a fair bit of self doubt and wondering what’s wrong with me? But maybe it’s time to let go..

Trying to counter it with the fact that I have friends who are honest and true, and I can’t be all that bad if they want to know me despite my flaws, but sometimes it’s harder than others,  Especially when I’ve got sleep-demons and demons from the past poking their oars in too…

So onto my final topic. Tomorrow I’m off to one of my Sanctuaries. York. I’ve got several places that I like to go and escape to to regather myself together, especially after a hard time. York is one of them, Durham another, Hebden Bridge another and Mam Tor is the other. Each one has something different about it that makes me feel a little more together. They’re places I can just be in, whether by myself, or with others.

Was hoping I’d be able to have some company tomorrow in York, but no-one is about. It won’t stop me enjoying myself by any means, but would have been good. Was thinking earlier about previous visits, one with an old friend Kyu, Where we ended up drinking white wine and eating peanuts at 9am on a Saturday morning because we could and it was amusing. Kyu went on to Scarborough later in the day, but fun was had… Also the time I walked around the walls and just went and got myself lost because I could. The picture of me with a barn owl was taken in York at Coppergate as well.

I do find myself yearning occasionally for the day where I am able to find Sanctuary in a walk down the beach, or in the swimming pool, but I guess as well, this is right, as sanctuary is something separate to the everyday normality. So it should be right that it takes an effort to get there. to find the sacred and the profane…..

 

Now, I’m feeling sleepy, so I’m going to curl up, and hope to sleep well. If you read this far thank you for sticking with me…

And any offers to come find my off button would be appreciated at the moment! A woman can live in hope I guess!!! 😉