Autumn’s approach

The nights are drawing in, and it feels right to have a Custard Cream to dunk into a cup of tea – a sure sign that Autumn is getting closer. I’ve missed the whole of the Summer pretty much, which is weird, as whilst it’s my least favourite season, it still needs to be there so I can appreciate the others all the more.
As it stands, I’ve got a niggly cold, which isn’t causing me hell as much as a bunch of irritation, as sneezing hurts because I’m not moving around as much so tends to throw my joints out (and occasionally, back in).
Add to that an ear infection, which isn’t bothering me in the slightest, but I know is there thanks to it trying to spread to my jaw (which happens 9/10 times I get an issue). Hopefully I’ve caught it early enough, and am plying it with ibuprofen in order to prevent a golf ball appearing on my jaw, and tomorrow I’ll add honey and lemon to it. And hopefully lots of garlic too.

I’m a little disappointed, as I’ve just weaned myself off all the painkillers – tramadol especially, as that stuff can be evil. I’ve been put on it for a length of time twice. The first time, in 2012 was fine; I’d been warned not to come off it cold turkey – especially as I was on the max dose, so I halved it, then halved it again, and came off over a couple of weeks without any real problems.
This time, I had to be more careful. A couple of weeks ago, I missed ONE dose, as I’d slept in, meaning my last dose was due around 3am, and I’d fallen asleep around 12am and had slept right through, which was long enough for it to come entirely out of my system, and I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck! I thought I’d got the flu, as I’d got jelly shaky legs, as well as that prickly crawling sensation you get when the blankets move. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I’d worked out what had happened, and I knew I needed to start reducing sooner rather than later, as the longer I took them, the worse it would be. So I did it over a few days, given I’d already flushed it from my system in that instance. I’ve had a week without that and the paracetamol, and the pain isn’t completely gone, but it’s tolerable without, and if I need to I can always take some paracetamol.

The only thing I’m still taking after discharge is Asprin, which I’ll need to do for a year minimum, if not for life. As much as I don’t like taking pills of any kind (the pill being the exception, as mine is amazing, and stops those issues entirely) that one I can deal with – it’s not for pain, it’s to keep the blood supply in check, I think as much for the bypass as for the leg that’s now missing it’s Saphenous Vein to provide it.
No blood clots or complications for me thankyou very much!!

At the moment, I’m on wait and see for the torn cruciates, due to the complications making operating to repair a Very Bad Idea(tm), which means another two months of the knee brace (which is a cast below and above the knee with a hinge on both sides of the knee, which essentially controls the amount of bend I can have, and stops me from twisting it) but on the plus side, the consultant is happy to increase the amount of bend (previously limited to 90degrees) and is also happy for me to begin to bear weight on it as well, so it’s at least in the right direction.
So come Tuesday, I’ll be getting a new cast whatever, as they need to amend the hinges. They also need to remove it so I can have an ultrasound scan of my knee and lower leg to check the bypass is all OK, so that’s also a good thing, as apparently I’m losing weight, which has made the cast loose. This one is currently being held together by velcro as they’ve cut two inches out last time, and it’s now loose again… >.>

The advantage of this happening, means that I should hopefully be able to get in and out of a car now, which we’ll hopefully test next week as well. And if I manage to secure a chair somehow, then I might even manage to make it out to the comic event at Doncaster on Sunday. Not that I’ll be able to buy anything, as I don’t have any money coming in other than my statutory sick which (given my Housing Benefit claim may well be denied) won’t cover even the essentials.

I am beginning to feel horribly cooped up and hemmed in now.
I’ve never been one to just sit around, whether inside or outside, and I’m really starting to feel the strain, both mentally and physically. I may joke about it, but my bottom is REALLY starting to hurt now, because I can’t walk, I’m constantly laying or sitting on it. Aside from the respite I get when I lay on my side, which I can only do for a short time because the weight of the cast on my good leg starts to get too much, and also get pain in my hip.

I’m also starting to feel rather bored. It’s hard not to get frustrated at the situation, especially when there’s lots going on around and you’re unable to do anything to help, but there’s also only so much of something you can do. Going to try and get stuck into some crafts, and also got a couple of Online Learning things to do, but they’ll only take up a couple of hours a day, and week, respectively. I’ve also applied for some work from home stuff – writing and proofing mostly, but it could be weeks until I hear from them….

Usually at this time of year, I’d have been out and gathered fruits that were ripening and be baking crumbles, cobblers, and strudels, as well as breads and all kinds of autumnal goodness. But this year, it looks like I’ll be settling for a Custard Cream to dunk in my tea…

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Regular post holiday musings.

I’ve been working at this for nearly three days now, having apparently had an awful lot to write about given I’ve only been off for a week! The truth is though, that I have been ruminating on a bunch of things for a fair while now, and I think having some time and space has meant that they’ve come into the mix as well… What follows may appear a bit disjointed, as I’ll move stuff around into vague collected categories, after writing as it all arrives. I also think at this rate, that I’ll be breaking it down and posting it in smaller sections that makes it a little easier to read!

 

1. My Week Off!

This was mostly taken up by an invasion of the Danes. My good friend Terril came to visit, and he brought his friend Shiro along too. Arriving very early on the Saturday, it meant a full week was going to be in store. Not masses was planned, in fact only two things – firstly, attending the pagan moot picnic on the Sunday with Tony, followed by my inaugural Cyberpunk game, and a visit to go and see mutual friends Leinir and Makenshi. As you might expect there was a lot of beer consumed, in addition to other alcohol, BBQ made it’s way in there as well as trip to Toby Carvery. Also lots of films, talk, and general awesomeness was had. I was sad on Friday when dropping them at the train station, but only because the awesomeness had to end. However, thinking positively, I gained another friend, and there will be more visits in the future I hope – which is something to look forwards to.

 

2. Activities

Was pretty active this holiday – possibly helped by not having a chance to simply flumph at the start, but instead continuing. Monday saw a not so leisurely walk to Tony’s from mine (good 3.5 miles) in the blazing sun via Homebase, and Wednesday saw me going swimming with Makenshi in Hinckley. Swam 825m and then did a good 15-20 mins of aqua pedalling. I would have liked to have made it to a straight 1km in the pool, but there were some rather bawdy teens divebombing, which made swimming increasingly difficult to negotiate. On the Friday I did ALL the walking. After dropping the Danes at the trainstation, I headed through and round the city centre to get jobs done and a haircut, then went in search of sandals to Meadowhell, and finally to Doncaster. All in all I covered a good 8 miles minimum through that, and yes, I did find some Sandals!! Sunday, I decided it was time to start going to the gym, so I hauled ass up there, and did a 1.25km jog (5.1mph) followed by 5.15km on the recumbent bike..According to the app that I have, this means a 600kcal burn for that session, which is kinda neat.

3. 100 things in 1001 days.

This needs an update. Because I’ve actually started a bunch of stuff on there, and possibly finished some too…

So yeah. 4 have been completed, and a further nine are officially in progress, with scope for a another good few to be joining them soon. Progress seems slower than I would have liked so far, but inspiration is arriving again, which will hopefully spur things on. I’m hoping that the holiday I have planned for September will be a further catylyst to things and that the pace will pick up.

 

4. Roleplay.

Bit of a mixed bag really. I’ve started my Cyberpunk campaign, which seemed to go pretty well. Have got 5 players in the group, and the premise for the plot has been set. Despite a whole bunch of nerves about it, and getting really insecure about how badly I would suck at it, I managed – even adding in the 5th character on the fly. I am looking forwards to continuing with the next game sometime in August. Outside of the punk campaign though, things have become messy. Fractured friendships within the group has meant that after *finally* coming out of a hiatus and into a game – resurrecting my old Werewolf character, and having a lot of fun playing her, I feel compelled to step back once again. I don’t have an issue with what has happened in real life at all, however, to think that it won’t have *any* impact on the game at all is simply naive. There’ll always be the wondering whether or not my character is being ‘deliberately harsh’ towards another character – which she isn’t – it’s just how she is. Add to this the fact that Freya is hierarchically higher up the scale and further things could be asked which will take the fun out of it. Quite frankly I don’t want to put myself in position where I’’m having to consider all of these things, because it will destroy the fun of it for me. So I’ve made that decision, which has been difficult, because the thing I enjoy most about RP is probably the social aspect of it – which I’m having to choose to walk away from for a while in order to keep my sanity intact, and even just a few months back, I might not have done, but I think it’s the only viable choice.

 

5, Music.

This week saw me finally break my songwriters block in it’s usual inconvenient style, whilst attending the moot picnic, when I should have been doing other things… but I can’t waste time worrying about that – everyone survived. It did mean that I missed a fair bit of the picnic as I had to go and be on my own and then get what was going round my head onto paper.

I may have written a song just before I moved to sheffield as well, but the more I’ve thought about that one,it’s a poetry cycle that I’ve added a tune to, and not a song. Wth that I think I was starting to get a bit desperate as i’d spent most of the previous six months with NO interest in anything musical whatsoever, and I needed to prove to myselfr that it wasn’t the end of it all. It served it’s purpose though, and provided a bit of hope, but the real breakthrough was this week.  As usual with the songs I choose to keep, the whole thing was written that day. Lyrics, melody, accompaniment and harmonies. I’m still not exactly sure what the song is about, I’ll be quite honest, but I felt so much better for having written it, which is usually a sign that some catharsis of sorts has been achieved. I also worked out the accompaniment for ‘Exposed’ whilst in the shower – the guitar part anyway, and again, at that highly convenient moment of being in the shower at the time! This is a really positive thing though, as hopefully it means that there’ll be more to come – and the recent good feedback from the gig on the 12th does make me think overall, that it’s not just a complete waste of time and I should just quit before I waste any more money on it.  

6. Me

 

Because I’ve been so busy I’ve not really had much time to do a lot of navel gazing – even after the boys went home – my Friday and Saturday were busy with stuff, and I was writing the long version of this when I wasn’t busy.

A few things have struck me though, mostly whilst thinking about other things: Firstly, I’m getting a LOT better at meeting random people! Not that long ago I’d have been really shy at the idea of it, but this holiday, I welcomed a new person into my house, with no trauma for me – a bit of nerves and shyness, but nothing that wasn’t normal by mundane standards. I also ended up getting talked to by strangers in a few places – and found myself talking back properly, rather than excusing myself from conversation.

 

Secondly, I still have issues, BUT they are improving. It was pointed out that I am still pretty insecure when it comes to myself. My answer to that was ‘yes, but it’s getting better’ and I do genuinely feel that that’s true. I don’t know if I’ll EVER fully manage to escape the tie between how much I can do for someone proportionally affection their reaction to me – ie, defining myself by the things I do, not who I am, but it’s less there than it was, and I realise that in some ways, I am actually a pretty cool person to know, and have some good stuff going in my favour. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop being concerned as to what other people think of me either, but again, I’m not going to be so hard on myself about it…

So patience is the watchword there.

 

Thirdly. It is possible to be both an introvert and a social creature. Two concepts which I had kinda thought couldn’t work together, but this is more out of a skewed perception as to what being an introvert actually is and how it works, as well as some other assumptions which seem to have (rightly) been thrown away in the course of the last few months. I essentially always equated being alone with being an introvert, which of course, isn’t really the case. This has led to some interesting internal debates, as I enjoy a lot of things which don’t work with that as a scenario. But they didn’t work on the flipside. For one, I don’t generally LIKE being alone for long periods of time, but the opposite didnt work either. The ideal for me, is probably much closer to being in smaller valued company, but free to keep my counsel, or join in as I wish – which is actually perfectly acceptable. I still need alone time, as I *am* an introvert, and it’s how I recharge, but not nearly as much as I would have assumed I needed. Of course tied up in this, was a desire to be alone, because it meant I couldn’t be hurt by anyone, which probably perpetuated the self-created myth some, and that’s something else that over time, I’ve been able to work on, and come to terms with, even if there’s still fallout to deal with there too. It’s slowly starting to untangle finally.

7. Furry.

 

This is one of those things I’ve been ruminating on for a while…. mostly because in the last few months especially, I’ve found myself having to explain my knowledge of the fandom to interested parties, which in turn has led to reevaluating it somewhat.

I first came across the fandom when I was 18, thanks to a friend at church who was to become my housemate, and then after that skip out to America, who introduced me to a set of the Sheffield Furs. In themselves all nice people for the most part, and there were shared interests and geekery etc so all good. So as time went on, it was decreed that I too must be a fur, and quite obviously a dragon, specifically, as I used the online handle of steeldragoness at that time, which was an entirely separate event. I went to furmeets, met a fair few furs from around the country and all was generally well, with the exception of two things.

 

One, people really struggled to define furry to me when I asked them what it meant to them – usually met with RAWR I’M A BEAR/FOX/WOLF/TIGER/CAT/PHOENIX and not a lot else, and secondly, the things that happened when they got together at the Durham Ox. I lost a lot of innocence finding out things that happened there… and whilst I’ve since come to learn that this does not have to be an essential part of being a fur, I couldn’t reconcile it at all to where I could relate to or take part in. Specifically the rather loose and free nature of sexual activities that went on. Anyone and everyone was fair game, anywhere pretty much – except me, because I lacked a penis (and even if I didn’t, it’s not something that at that time I would have been at all prepared for). These things combined with the sheer amount of drama, meant that I walked away from it when I left Sheffield.

The last year or so though, it’s come back.into my life, as I’ve met people, who have brought other people, until all of a sudden, half the roleplayers are furs, and they know people I know and ALL the crossover appeared, which led me getting back in touch with some people I used to know as well as meeting a bunch more, and I started to reevaluate as people started to ask me “So what fur are you then?” and looked really surprised when I said I wasn’t really.

A few have asked why not, or if I used to be, and I’ve answered as best as I could at the time

 

This week, during conversation i was asked “So, why *aren’t* you a fur?* which was met with the rather unexpected response of “I’m not sure – maybe I am… “ I think this was unexpected by both the interested parties, and me! This alone has caused me to give it some more thought this week, and I tried to explain that I guess it depends on the definition you use, and the reason I never saw myself as furry was because I could never relate to the definition that I had been given by my experiences- namely a bunch of animal obsessed sexual deviants who were intent on causing drama. My experiences now are somewhat different, by a long shot!

 

During conversation and through my own research, it is very much a social thing, which as I’ll talk about when I’m looking at introvertedness, is something that’s now a much bigger theme in my life than it used to be, so is a bit more applicable to me now, but broadly, the definition as to what makes a fur a fur as far as I can see in broad terms is something like this:

1.  Shared interests in anthropomorphic animals and creatures. – this could emerge as any number of things, and again from what I’ve seen – there isn’t a set rule for what that interest could entail – could be a love of furry art, or cartoons, through to a more spiritual connection, akin to Native American beliefs or therianthropy, or a love of fursuit and cos/roleplay. Doesn’t have to be all of them, or most.

 

My second time around at exploring the fandom has been very different – the people I’ve met, are some pretty awesome people truth be told, and I find myself privileged to count a number of them amongst my friends, and there’s not much of the stuff that put me off the last time when it comes to the social aspect. In fact, when placed in situ, I actually probably find myself more at ease than I do in other situations… .

So, Do I fit that definition?

Quite simply put, Yes.

On more than one count I might add, and I’ll happily admit to this!!

 

So am I too a fur?

Quite probably, when I  come to reevaluate it.

Just don’t ask me what animal I relate to… that one might take a bit more time, because with the best will in the world, I’m really not sure I’m a dragon. I’d much rather be something of my own choosing.  And if any of my furry friends have anything to add, or correct me on, feel free!