What we have here….is failure…. to communicate….

I’ve found it hard to write recently.

Mostly down to lack of time, as when I do feel able to write, I’m inevitably in no position to be able to do so. Then if I do sit down, there are no words. Something that happens a lot lately.

I’ve learnt and realised an awful lot of late. Too much to list. Some of the things I don’t know I know yet… but I know them… if that makes sense?

And I’ve been the busiest I’ve ever been between students and other commitments, work, and those I care for. I knew that it would be a struggle, but all of a sudden, mid June, and the end is in sight. I’d joked a while ago that I’d scheduled the weekend everything finishes as being the weekend I fall apart and break down. I’m not sure that isn’t too far from the truth to be honest. More and more I feel weighed down physically as well as in other ways by the weights I tend to bear. The world would probably be an exaggeration, but sometimes isn’t too far off.  The thing is that balances out the forces pushing outwards from the inside. Well, that’s usually the case. There’s an imbalance of late. Which is why I’m feeling it more. Maybe I will need to look at both sides to try and sort them out.  I’m still finding myself unable to express myself, and to speak about things, or write, or anything really when it comes to some things. I’m beginning to understand that a little more on that front I think… and it was always going to be an issue at some point – I found my sneaky little birth chart going through some papers yesterday and re-read it and for the first time realised just how… different I am in some ways to others. Most of the charts I see are generally spread over a few things. Mine isn’t. At some point I might post it up… but I think come mid-June, there will be changes made.

Recently started helping a very very good friend, who has helped me a lot of late. It’s nice to be able to reciprocate in some small way as I like being able to show I care by being able to help, not just so I retain a modicum of usefulness and therefore a reason to be kept around…so this is good.  Reminded me I have stuff I need to sort too. And of course we have some plans made,  short, medium and longer term..and it’s kinda nice to have a partner in crime and things to look forwards to.

First thing I need to do though, ultimately is get through the door that’s appeared and has been making itself more and more known of late. Just let me get to mid June first… or at least a point where I get enough time to actually spend looking at it….and then deal with the inability to talk…. and then… well… there’s a whole list. But one thing at a time eh?

 

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lazing on a Sunday afternoon.

This is the first weekend that I’ve had completely off in a while. I always try to not pack my weekend out because I’m so busy through the week, and a typical weekend now usually consists of Saturday mornings being filled with admin/chores/housework, and soon, thanks to exam season fast approaching, extra tutoring, before heading out for roleplay/catch up with friends, and more often than not, staying over on Saturday, and heading back on Sunday. This works quite well, for a lot of reasons, one being that it motivates me to get the boring stuff out of the way by Saturday lunchtime, otherwise I have to tackle it on the Sunday evening, which just leaves it hanging over the weekend. It also means that I don’t just become a hermit, and hide, which would be a bit too easy for me- especially of late, and it means I actually have some downtime factored in, as well as a ready excuse for the inevitable contacts of “oh its the weekend, you can help with….” Which if I only have my own stuff to get done gets the response of “oh well, you can move that around, squish this in…” And because I’m a pushover, I usually say yes, and then end up without the time to do the admin/housework/my stuff afterwards, whereas plans with others are a lot more difficult to dismiss out of hand.

This weekend though, I went away to visit friends I haven’t seen in a while, which has been a really nice change, although it has been really really weird to have a weekend with such a slow pace, as I feel like I haven’t “done” anything. I arrived on Friday evening, before I would have gotten home had I been tutoring, and got a sandwich, watched a gameplay video and had an early night. Yesterday, we went out for a walk around the centre of the town, had lunch out, and then got ingredients for me to make cake (as I always make something by request of my hosts) and watched a fair bit of River cottage, whilst trying to work out how I would make said cake. I succeeded with the cake, which was a berry topped chilli chocolate cake, and watched some random quiz stuff before bed. Today I’ve gotten up, read a bit, and will probably go for a little walk, to take advantage of the sun before heading home later.  Seems like nothing really, but actually, I’ve had time to think about stuff that’s been going round my head, as well as plan out a little more of my book, which I’ll probably get on with on my way home, and generally have a little bit of time to REST, and therefore, heal.

I’ve still had a fair amount of pain this weekend, but its not been all over, and its been manageable, and has lessened over the time in proportion to my inactivity. Now, my shoulders and upper back are what’s causing trouble, along with my arms, and that to be honest probably has more to do with being hunched up in pain the last few days than anything else, and I daresay a good massage would go a long way to sort that out too (I should be that lucky though), although that’s something I can put up with.

I think I need to look at my time management again, and plan in small patches of downtime through the day. I manage this quite well at work, but I could make better time of it in transit, for example, which might help things along a bit. I also need to try and get back on top of sleep, and eating properly, which means I just need to give myself a good kick up the arse more than anything! Because I’ve been feeling really crappy in general and tearing myself to pieces I stop caring about it, but I need to just do it, even if it means setting reminders on my phone, or notes on the fridge. I also need to go through food groups and make sure I’m planning enough of things in said foods, and generally make it so I try and look after myself a bit, even when its the last thing I want to do.

This week I’ve had to face up to the fact that I simply can’t get away with doing things I had done in the past, when I’ve ended up feeling that bad, and, again, having to challenge myself over the fact that if it was someone else doing that to themselves I wouldn’t stand by and let them. Whether I outrightly challenged it or tackled it by stealth would depend on the person, but I wouldn’t let it stand, so I should let myself do it either.

So, yes, I have screwed up recently. A lot. I don’t think it would be helpful to explain the various how’s and why’s right now, as I’d just end up more annoyed at myself, and lo and behold we’d be starting it all over again. But I can always hope that next time, I will do better, and spot myself falling before I am forced to acknowledge I fell a while before. Not just talking about not looking after myself here, but the same goes. Its just easier for me to talk about that context, than all the other things.

Possibly time to make a few lists as well, and then discuss how best to tackle them…. As well as try to realise that i may not have to try and do this all by myself, and that i dont have to shut myself away until ive fixed things…But one step at a time I think, at least until I can learn to walk again….

 

Spiritual musings.

Finally finished the post I’d started last week…. so on to the next one.

I’m off work today, not feeling well. So using the time, in addition to resting up some, to thinking about some recent events…

When it comes to all things spiritual, I’m by no means conventional – I don’t follow a particular line of thought or practice, and I don’t particularly align myself with one particular thing. I follow my intuition, which is my biggest guide in this. As a result there are ideas in there from many sources. Some more than others, and if I had to actually use a label, then it would probably be along the lines of pagan, with a celtic/norse leaning. HOWEVER: that is certainly not the be all and end all- add in there some native american, as well as eastern ideas, and you’d be getting a little closer. Also, don’t forget the British and European ideas as well… I’m sure that you see where I’m going with this….

 

The last few weeks I’ve been having a think about all of this, now that I’m in a position to consider things a little more than I perhaps have previously. Coming back to ideas I had been considering some time ago, which had gone to the wayside for various reasons – mostly not being in the headspace- and watching serendipity do it’s wonderful thing; for example, thinking to myself “it might be a good time to think about sorting out getting the runes I was thinking about making done – finish collecting the stones and then crafting them” before being given a set of clay runes by my brother a few days later… as well as looking at natural/complimentary therapies – the ideas behind them as well as the practice of.  These are something I tend to approach quite scientifically. I certainly don’t for a second believe that we’ve learnt all there is to know scientifically, and there are things that happen out there, which work but we can’t explain why – acupuncture, t’ai chi are just two examples.

(Excuse me if this jumps about a little as I go by the way – I am just writing it as it comes… and this is as much for my benefit as anyone elses… !)

I’ve always had a bit of an affinity to a few different things – mostly looking at natural ways of healing and improving things – massage, herbs, ‘so called- superfoods’ etc as well as looking into other things. Massage is something I’ve just been able to do instinctively, and there are a fair few people out there who’ve been on the receiving end of one of mine to say that I certainly know what I’m doing, even without any formal training (done a fair bit of reading though!) I’ve always used my intuition to guide me in that – leading me to troublesome spots, which I fully admit is enhanced by a working knowledge of the body and muscles. I’ve also passed on a bit of what I know to people I trust as the one downside to it is that you really can’t actually do it to yourself!

On Saturday night I was giving a good friend of mine a shoulder massage and thinking about what and how I do it, and had paused to think about where I was going to go next when I heard an ‘ooh’ of surprise. I asked if they were OK and got the yes, fine, and I went back to what I was doing. It was only a little while afterwards that I realised that at that time, I wasn’t actually touching them  with my hands. I was thinking about where to go next, and i guess the easiest way I could explain it is that I was feeling it with my mind before I carried on….  I spoke about this with my friend the next night, after thinking about it for a fair while and coming to a conclusion as to what might have happened, and started out by asking if he remembered that particular point and why the surprise, before saying what had happened, and my thoughts on it. After discussion we concluded that I’d managed to transfer energy, in the most basic terms – much like those who practice Reiki, Qi Gong, or other forms of Energy Healing would. We also concluded that it’s probably not the first time it’s happened, but in the past I’d have been in contact whilst doing it. So what’s different now, and why has this happened? I have no idea, but I’m looking forwards to finding out a little more and exploring what this means, and seeing if I can actually do this consciously. So some learning and practice required.

Another tentative step forwards in the journey of life. Sometimes in a direction you never expected to go!